The Ultimate Scooby Gang
by The Evil Author
Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful incarnations of the Scooby Gang have been gathered to battle the Ultimate Evil. But first, they have to get along with each other.
1. The Summoning

Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 1  
  
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author  
  
EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com  
  
Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.  
  
Spoilers: Anything goes  
  
Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful  
  
incarnations of the Scooby Gang have been gathered to  
  
battle the Ultimate Evil. But first, they have to get  
  
along with each other.  
  
Disclaimer: Characters and concepts belong to their  
  
owners who I'm too lazy to list. So shoot me. Wait! I  
  
didn't mean that lit... *BANG*  
  
She remembered dying.  
  
Okay, what she really remembered was dying many, many  
  
times. There was the vampire who drained her on their  
  
first date, the Knight of Byzantium who impaled her with  
  
a lucky arrow, Ben slitting her throat in a fit of pique,  
  
jumping from Glory's ramshackle tower. Those were the  
  
deaths she could attribute to the bad guys.  
  
Then there were the more embarrasing deaths. Her slipping  
  
in the tub. Car accidents. There were inumerable times  
  
of choking on her breakfast cereal!  
  
And then there were the deaths inflicted by her sister.  
  
The disturbing part was that several of her deaths had  
  
been when she had not been turned into a vampire.  
  
Now at least she knew what had been going on in Buffy's  
  
mind. That was because for every memory she had of dying,  
  
there were more of her surviving those deaths. Every  
  
eternal instant that passed resulted in more memories  
  
popping up, each chunk contributing just a little more  
  
memory of living.  
  
To the entity that had once been Dawn Summers, it was all  
  
very confusing.  
  
***  
  
Stepping over the corpses that had once been the Scooby  
  
Gang, the Mother of All Vampires effortlessly held the  
  
Slayer by the throat with her right hand. Behind Buffy,  
  
a temporal portal was open leading into the deep past.  
  
With a flicker of her wrist, the Mother tossed Buffy into  
  
the portal. Upon the passage of the Slayer, the portal  
  
closed and disappeared as if it had never existed.  
  
"No..." someone moaned. Apparently one of the Scoobies  
  
wasn't quite dead. The Mother saw that it was the  
  
Watcher. "You've... you've altered the past..." Giles  
  
whispered, stammering more from the weakness of blood  
  
loss that social ineptitude. "Why? I thought... you  
  
wanted... to... go. A Slayer... back then... could  
  
stop... the creation... of the... first... Vampire..."  
  
"No, Giles, it won't," the Mother replied, speaking for  
  
the first time with a horribly familiar voice as she  
  
stepped in front of him. She knelt so that they were face  
  
to face, or more appropriately, face to mask. "I haven't  
  
altered time," she said lazily, removing her mask to  
  
reveal the twisted but still recognizable face of Buffy  
  
Summers. "I've made sure it'll all happen."  
  
"Noooo..." Giles moaned in despair. Then he joined the  
  
rest of the Scoobies in oblivion.  
  
"Okay, now that was just mean," someone said behind the  
  
vampire Buffy. That someone spoke with her own voice and  
  
sounded like she disapproved.  
  
Buffy turned to her etherial twin. "You're supposed to be  
  
the First Evil," Buffy the vampire replied, somewhat  
  
annoyed. "What do you care?"  
  
Another Buffy apparition appeared beside vampire Buffy.  
  
"That's not me," the First Evil told her. Had she been  
  
paying attention, the Mother might have noticed that the  
  
First was disturbed. "It's the ghost of your former  
  
self."  
  
"Ooh, a ghost," the Mother of Vampires mocked. "I am so  
  
not impressed." She strode forward until she was face to  
  
face with her double. "What are you going to do, Caspar,  
  
say 'Boo'?"  
  
In reply, Buffy the Ghost hit Buffy the Vampire with an  
  
upper cut. With unexpected solidity, the former sent the  
  
latter through the ceiling into the now late Robin Wood's  
  
office.  
  
"Boo," she added.  
  
***  
  
It took a while, but the entity that had once been Dawn  
  
Summers finally figured out what was going on. As time  
  
passed, things happened and choices were made. In one  
  
universe Dawn made one choice and died. In another, she  
  
had made a different decision and lived. Multiply by  
  
infinity.  
  
Once Dawn died, the part of her that was the Key was  
  
released into the ether. But the Key was not the same  
  
pure energy it had been before it had been made into the  
  
Slayer's sister. There were contaminants in the energy  
  
now, the fragments that had been Dawn's soul. Instead of  
  
spreading into the void, the energy of the Key accreted  
  
around these soul fragments like a pearl. Eventually, she  
  
(there was a definite femaleness to the Key's self  
  
identity now) woke up.  
  
This left one inevitable question.  
  
"Where the heck am I?" she asked no one in particular.  
  
There appeared to be nothing but an infinite void here...  
  
wherever "here" was.  
  
So she was kind of surprised to get an answer.  
  
***  
  
Willow had botched the Slayer activation spell. It was  
  
nothing she did. Like her ensouling Angel years before,  
  
she had simply started too late. Willow finished the  
  
spell just in time to see Kennedy torn to bloody shreds  
  
when the swarm Turok-han found their hidey hole.  
  
In an instant, Willow felt despair. For the Turok'han to  
  
have found her hiding place, they had to get past Buffy  
  
and the others. That meant Buffy, Xander, Giles, and  
  
everyone else she knew was dead. True, ever potential  
  
Slayer in the world was now activated... but none of them  
  
were HERE.  
  
As the neander-vamps pounced on Willow, the young witch  
  
reached deep into her connection with the Earth and  
  
pulled out all the stops.  
  
In the following days, the destruction of Sunnydale would  
  
be blamed on terrorists who had smuggled a nuclear weapon  
  
onto American soil. Why a nearly empty backwater was  
  
nuked instead of nearby Los Angeles was a mystery that  
  
would be endlessly speculated over.  
  
But it was not the only thing speculated over. There was  
  
the Miracle. A survivor had been pulled out of what was  
  
practically ground zero: a young woman with hair that had  
  
been bleached white by the explosion.  
  
***  
  
"Hi, Dawn," the visitor said as she appeared from out of  
  
literally nowhere. "Welcome to the Outside." The visitor  
  
was one of the Powers that Be. Somehow, the Key was very  
  
sure of that. What was surprising was that she new this  
  
particular Power.  
  
"Cordelia?" the Key exclaimed in surprise. "What are you  
  
doing here? For that matter, where's here?"  
  
"Well, let's answer your last question first," Cordelia  
  
replied. She ticked off one of her fingers. "One, we're  
  
quite literally between the walls of dimensions. It's  
  
like those spaces in houses where Jerry the Mouse lives."  
  
"There are mice here?" the Key asked, looking around. She  
  
saw nothing else.  
  
"Sure, and rats and bugs and all sorts of icky crawly  
  
things," Cordelia told her with a shudder. "But they stay  
  
away from things that can squash them like... well, bugs.  
  
That would be us by the way."  
  
"Cool," the Key said, relieved.  
  
"Oh, and if it helps, it's okay for you to think of  
  
yourself as 'Dawn' if it helps," Cordelia suggested.  
  
"Okay," the Ke... Dawn replied.  
  
"Now then," Cordelia began, then stopped. She looked down  
  
at her own hands. "Uh, where was I?"  
  
***  
  
"I am Polethemus of Byzantium," the immortal proclaimed,  
  
not drawing his weapon.  
  
"Hi, nice to meetcha. I'm Xander Harris of Sunnydale,"  
  
Xander replied, drawing his sword from the folds of his  
  
long coat. "Maybe you've heard of it? Turned into the  
  
world's biggest pothole yesterday. I shoulda been there  
  
to help my friends."  
  
Feeling the other immortal nearby, Xander had ducked into  
  
a nearby warehouse, Odd how Oxnard seemed to have alot of  
  
them.  
  
"I would offer my condolences," Polethemus said with a  
  
mocking smile, "...but I'd be lying."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, you're all heart," Xander replied. "So are  
  
we gonna trade insults all day or are you going to  
  
challenge me? Cuz the way I'm feeling right now, taking  
  
your head ought to relieve some tension."  
  
"Oh, but the witty banter is such fun," Polethemus told  
  
Xander jovially, "but if you insist," He drew an Uzi from  
  
his own coat and emptied half the clip into Xander's  
  
chest, "I challenge."  
  
***  
  
"What are you doing here?" Dawn prompted.  
  
"Oh, right! Thanks," Cordelia said brightly. "Anyway,  
  
what I'd like to say is that the other Powers thought it  
  
might be a good idea that a familiar face helped you get  
  
used to..." she waved vaguely at their surroundings,  
  
"...this."  
  
"But? I hear a 'but' in there somewhere."  
  
"Yeah, there is," Cordelia admitted. "See, I'm kinda like  
  
a Power that Be intern. 'Go get that, Cordy'. 'Take this  
  
head-splitting vision to some poor sap, Cordy'. 'Ferry  
  
this senior Power back to the mortal world so that you  
  
can be a passenger in your own body, Cordy'. And here I  
  
thought Ascending to a higher plane would be different."  
  
"Not all it's cracked up to be, huh?" Dawn sympathized.  
  
"You said it, kiddo," Cordelia agreed. "Would it be too  
  
much to ask if I could get Daniel's deal. He got to look  
  
in on his friends from time to time."  
  
"Who's Daniel?"  
  
"Some science geek. Used to wear glasses before he  
  
Ascended while playing Spock," Cordelia replied absently  
  
before going to back to her rant. "Y'know, the only  
  
reason I can fit in here with you is that my body got  
  
left behind on the lower worlds. That was so not fair."  
  
***  
  
"How are you doing this?" demanded the vampire Buffy.  
  
"You're a spirit! A shadow! You shouldn't have that much  
  
solidity let alone that much strength."  
  
"Oh, I'm not just some garden variety ghost, sister," the  
  
ghostly Buffy replied confidently as she stode toward  
  
herself. A quick morph and suddenly she was Kendra. "I've  
  
been building strength ever since I died." Another morph  
  
and she was Nikki Wood. "I am the force that gives the  
  
Slayers their power, jumping from one to another as each  
  
dies, each one's strength added to my own." A shift and  
  
she was a grinning Faith. "Wicked cool, huh?"  
  
"You might not have noticed, but there are no more  
  
Slayers or Slayer wannabes. You won't be able to hold  
  
onto all that power without a physical vessel," vampBuffy  
  
pointed out smugly. "And I can wait you out. By the way,  
  
does the First know you stole that trick?"  
  
"Hey, the First Evil can sue me," the spirit of Slayerdom  
  
replied as she changed into the First Slayer. "But there  
  
is a vessel that can hold me."  
  
"Really?" vampire Buffy said skeptically. "Where?"  
  
"Right here!" snarled the spirit as she slunged her a  
  
hand deep into the vampire's torso and shifted back to  
  
Buffy. "I want my body back, you bitch!"  
  
***  
  
"So you're here to keep me company?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Not really," Cordelia sighed. "I'm just messenger girl.  
  
Again. I really need a new line of work."  
  
"So, you're here to give me a message?" Dawn guessed.  
  
"Yup," Cordelia confirmed. "The Powers have something  
  
that only you, as the Key, are capable of doing."  
  
"Me? What can I do that they can't?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Well, you could bring the whole multiverse crashing down  
  
on itself like the Twin Towers," Cordelia replied. "But  
  
that's not what they have in mind."  
  
"Whoa, really?"  
  
"Really," Cordelia confirmed. "Glory didn't know what she  
  
was messing with."  
  
"So what do they want me to do?" Dawn asked.  
  
***  
  
"Hi, Willow, can we come in?"  
  
"Riley. Sam. Sure, come on in," Willow replied to her  
  
visitors. She had been crying, obviously grieving for her  
  
lost friends.  
  
"We came to see how you were doing," Riley said as he  
  
and his wife sat by Willow's hospital bed. He had the  
  
decency to be embarrassed as he added, "And, um, to find  
  
out what happened in Sunnydale."  
  
"I'll be okay," Willow whispered. The louder, "It was the  
  
same old thing, a Sunnydale Apocalypse." She decided to  
  
change the topic to something else before she broke down  
  
again. "Where were you guys? Buffy tried to contact you,  
  
but you were out of contact."  
  
"The Yucatan," Riley replied. "Someone was trying to  
  
start an Apocalypse of the classic kind by raising the  
  
dead all over the world as flesh eating zombies."  
  
"Wow, an Apocalypse of your very own," Willow mused, a  
  
tremor in her voice. This was not a subject she wanted to  
  
dwell on. "There seems to be alot of that going around."  
  
"You sure you're okay?" Sam asked, concerned.  
  
"It's just..." Willow began., then burst into tears.  
  
"It's all my fault!"  
  
***  
  
"Keep in mind that in your current state, you're an  
  
eternal being that's been around since time began,"  
  
Cordelia began. "That means you're subject to certain  
  
rules."  
  
"Oh, joy," Dawn scowled.  
  
"Don't get snarky yet," Cordelia remonstrated. "You'll  
  
get plenty of time and reason later. Just listen for  
  
now. Where was I?"  
  
"Rules."  
  
"Right. Anyway," Cordelia continued, "While you CAN pull  
  
deus ex machina shenanigans on the lower worlds, so can  
  
the other side. So if 'Good'" here Cordelia raised her  
  
fingers in the universal gestures of quote marks, "does  
  
something directly, the baddies can do the same. This has  
  
worked out into a tit for tat kind of deal."  
  
"Tit for tat?" Dawn asked, not quite following.  
  
"Sure, it's like this," Cordelia said, thinking about  
  
examples to illustrate her point. "Okay, if the First  
  
pulls a souled vampire out of a hell to use for his own  
  
nefarious purposes, then the Powers that Be can pull a  
  
snowstorm out of nowhere to save his sorry self when he  
  
tries to commit suicide by sunrise. Or if a Slayer gets  
  
resurrected by the good guys, the bad guys are free to  
  
off all the Slayers in Waiting 'cuz the Slayer succession  
  
is obviously worthless now."  
  
"Okay, I get it," Dawn said quickly before Cordelia could  
  
pull any more examples from her life. Or was it lives?  
  
"And the Powers want ME to do something like this? What's  
  
the other side going to do?"  
  
"I dunno," Cordelia admitted. "Both sides like to save up  
  
their deus ex machinas until they can be used to their  
  
best advantage."  
  
"Oh. that is sooo not comforting."  
  
***  
  
Hit by bullets at full auto, Xander reeled back into the  
  
shadows that filled the warehouse. He fell behind a crate  
  
and momentarily disappeared from view.  
  
Full of arrogant confidence, Polethemus strolled around  
  
the crate to behead the immortal and take his quickening.  
  
He was shocked to discover there was no body lying where  
  
there should be one. In fact, there wasn't even any  
  
blood.  
  
"What the..." he began.  
  
"Y'know, Polly, it never ceases to amaze me," Xander's  
  
voice said, coming from somewhere in the shadows. "Alot  
  
of immortals consider guns to be cheating. Me? I was  
  
raised in the modern world."  
  
"How..." Polethemus began again.  
  
"Kevlar vest with embedded steel plate reinforcement,"  
  
Xander replied to Polethemus' partially formed question.  
  
"Anyway, if an immortal wants to challenge me with a  
  
sword, that's fine; I'll meet him with a sword. However,  
  
if an immortal prefers guns..."  
  
A click was all the warning Polethemus had before he was  
  
riddled with automatic fire. Unlike Xander, he wasn't  
  
wearing body armor.  
  
"...I'm happy to oblige," Xander concluded as he stepped  
  
out of the shadows. He secreted his own Mac10 under his  
  
coat and pulled his sword back out. "Why is it that  
  
immortals like you never expect other immortals to carry  
  
guns?" He raised his sword. "Oh by the way, there can be  
  
only one."  
  
***  
  
"Relax, Dawn," Cordelia reassured her. "This time it's  
  
the bad guys who went first."  
  
"Oh, okay," Dawn said, relaxing. "So what do you want me  
  
to do?"  
  
"Get the Scooby Gang back together."  
  
"Okay, I, uh, huh?" Dawn looked at Cordelia in confusion.  
  
"Which Scooby Gang? I kinda remember alot of different  
  
versions of them and I'm sure there's more."  
  
"Relax, we got it covered," Cordelia told her. "You see,  
  
we get the most powerful version of each Scooby we can  
  
find and deposit them in striking distance of the Big  
  
Bad we want them to take on."  
  
"Okay. Um, how do I do that?" Dawn asked, uncertain.  
  
"Here, let me show you what to do. Start by..."  
  
***  
  
Alive. That wasn't what she quite expected. When she had  
  
retaken her old body, millenia of accumalated power had  
  
apparently reanimated her body while driving out the  
  
demon. She could feel that most of that power still  
  
remained. Buffy wondered what she ought to do with her  
  
life now.  
  
But first, she decided to pay her respects to her old  
  
friends. It hurt to watch them die again, unable to  
  
intervene until her other self had closed the temporal  
  
loop. She laid their bodies out as best she could before  
  
she buried them. Then picking up the Scythe, Buffy  
  
struck several strategic blows, bringing the remains of  
  
the school down on top of them.  
  
As she departed, The First Evil appeared to Buffy, still  
  
wearing her own appearance.  
  
"You think you've won?" the First asked.  
  
"Y'know, if this is the cliched speech about getting me  
  
next time, save it," Buffy replied. "And get your own  
  
look. That one's taken."  
  
"Whatever," the First said, shrugging. "Still, no more  
  
Slayers in this world. I call that a win."  
  
"There's me," Buffy pointed out.  
  
"You sure?" the First asked.  
  
A glowing green mist crackling with arcing lightning  
  
enveloped Buffy before she could reply. For long moments,  
  
she couldn't see a thing. Then the mist cleared and she  
  
was looking at herself again. Only, her other self had  
  
Willow colored hair and was wearing a hideous shade of  
  
purple.  
  
"Wow, Daphne!" exclaimed the blond hottie next to Buffy's  
  
almost mirror image. "She looks just like you!"  
  
***  
  
Willow felt it an instant before it arrived. Whatever it  
  
was felt... familiar, friendly even. Perhaps that was why  
  
she let it snatch her up. She was certain that had she  
  
tried, she could have stopped that whatever-it-was. She  
  
just didn't feel too motivated to try.  
  
The next thing she knew, she was in Wonderland. And this  
  
place fit Lewis Carroll's description to Wonderland to  
  
a tee. There were still a few surprises.  
  
Willow was being roughly manhandled by vampires dressed  
  
as playing cards. All the other card soldiers were  
  
vampires too. In quick succession, she identified Buffy  
  
as Alice, Xander as the King of Hearts, Anya in a white  
  
rabbit suit, and even Giles as the Cheshire cat. And then  
  
there was the most disturbing one of all.  
  
"How dare she look like me!" Willow's twin shouted  
  
indignantly. Her tiara and gown was red, black, and white  
  
decked out with hearts. Those weren't not Valentine-style  
  
hearts, but the literal organs fresh from the body.  
  
The feel of magic here was so alien. Willow wondered if  
  
she would be able to defend herself.  
  
***  
  
When Xander opened his eyes after the Quickening ended,  
  
he found himself no longer in the Oxnard warehouse. He  
  
was... somewhere else.  
  
The first thing he noticed were the guns. There were alot  
  
of them of the military rifle variety. There were also a  
  
pair of gun turrets sporting what appeared to be heavy  
  
.50 caliber machine guns. All of these were pointed at  
  
him.  
  
Next thing his mind registered was that these guns were  
  
all being handled by guys in military fatigues. There was  
  
an observation window set in the concrete wall behind  
  
them. Inside, he could make out more military beople,  
  
although those guys were wearing dress uniforms.   
  
He barely noticed the blue glow coming from behind him.  
  
The guns in front seemed way more important.  
  
Acutely aware that he was standing on a raised ramp with  
  
both arms held high and a bloody sword in one hand,  
  
Xander said the first thing that came to mind.  
  
"I come in peace?" he said weakly. The soldiers were not  
  
impressed.  
  
Something went gloomp behind him, followed by more. A  
  
soldier tumbled past him on his left. Another, this one  
  
had a vaguely feminine figure on his right; her head was  
  
bare of any hair, but there was some kind of mottled  
  
pattern across the skin.  
  
The third soldier coming behind Xander tackled him and  
  
they went down in a heap. They came to a stop at the foot  
  
of the ramp where the soldiers with the guns were.  
  
Xander also got a good look at the guy who tackled him.  
  
It was like looking at the spitting image of himself.  
  
"Aw, not again!" they both said at the same time.  
  
***  
  
"Oops," was Dawn's only comment. 


	2. All together now almost

Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 2  
  
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author  
  
EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com  
  
Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.  
  
Spoilers: Anything goes  
  
Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful  
  
incarnations of the Scooby Gang have been gathered to  
  
battle the Ultimate Evil. But first, they have to get  
  
along with each other.  
  
Disclaimer: Characters and concepts belong to their  
  
owners who I'm too lazy to list.  
  
"Oops?" Cordelia echoed. "What do you mean, 'oops'?"  
  
"Well, um, I'm kinda new at this y'know," Dawn began to  
  
explain.  
  
"Dawn, what did you do?"  
  
"I just... misplaced them," Dawn told her.  
  
"Misplaced them?" Cordelia yelped.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll fix it right now."  
  
"Wait, we've already used up our Deus Ex Machina," the  
  
junior Power cautioned the Key. "Doing any more will give  
  
the Bad Guys a freebie."  
  
"Is this freebie limited by scale?" Dawn asked. "Y'know,  
  
I do a big thing, they do a big thing? Or I do a small  
  
thing and they get to do a small thing?"  
  
"I don't know." Cordelia thought about that for a moment.  
  
"Hmm, everything I've seen and heard seems to support the  
  
idea."  
  
"Cool. Then I just need to do a little itty bitty thing  
  
to fix this," Dawn reassured her.  
  
"Fine, but I don't think my bosses are going to be happy  
  
with this," Cordelia agreed reluctantly. "What are you  
  
going to do?"  
  
"Well, first I gotta find out where I sent them."  
  
Cordelia just groaned, foreseeing this as not going well.  
  
***  
  
"Horrible? What do you mean horrible?" Daphne said  
  
indignantly. "I'll have you know that purple is a royal  
  
color."  
  
"In my experience," the Daphne look-a-like - she said her  
  
name was Buffy - retorted, "royalty is royally overrated.  
  
And that look is sooo sixties anyway."  
  
"Oh, and the white skin-tight leather from neck to toe  
  
is really classy, right?" Daphne replied, giving Buffy a  
  
skeptical eye up and down to emphasize her point. "You  
  
look like a complete skank. Am I right, Freddie?  
  
Freddie?"  
  
Freddie had tuned out the fashion argument, which he  
  
found completely yawn-worthy. Instead, his entire  
  
attention was taken up admiring how Buffy's outfit seemed  
  
to show off every curve of her body without displaying a  
  
square inch of skin. He wondered what Daphne would look  
  
like in...  
  
"FREDDIE!"  
  
Freddie attention snapped back to the present. He found  
  
himself with an irate Daphne glaring at him.  
  
"Freddie, what are you..." Daphne began.  
  
Freddie was saved by a pair of familiar screams. An  
  
instant later, Shaggy and Scooby came racing around a  
  
corner behind Buffy towards them. They came to a  
  
screeching stop when Buffy spun to face them, her axe  
  
held at the ready. Freddie found it odd that he had  
  
forgotten that she was carrying the thing, especially  
  
considering that she had been holding it in one hand the  
  
entire time since she had appeared.  
  
"Whoa, Daph! It's us!" Shaggy exclaimed to Buffy. Then he  
  
spotted Daphne over Buffy's shoulder. "Uh, Daphne, why  
  
are there two of you?"  
  
"Hey! I'm Daphne," Daphne told him. "That's Buffy."  
  
"Hey," Buffy greeted, taking her axe from the ready  
  
position and resting it's head on her shoulder.  
  
"What's going on, guys?" Freddie asked. Given all the  
  
screaming they were doing, he already had a fair idea,  
  
but he had to ask anyway. "What was all the screaming  
  
about?"  
  
"We ran into the Ghost!" Shaggy said.  
  
"Reah! The Rhost!" Scooby echoed.  
  
"The Rhost, I mean Ghost?" Buffy repeated. She perked up,  
  
seemingly interested. "What Ghost?"  
  
"Like, the Ghost of El Rapier!" Shaggy explained, "He's  
  
right behind us." As if to prove his point, spooky  
  
moaining filled the corridor they were in. A glowing  
  
figure wielding a sword stepped around the same corner  
  
that Shaggy and Scooby came from.  
  
Freddie felt a chill. Rationally, he knew that this guy  
  
was probably just another crook in a mask. But  
  
undermining rationality was that there were a couple  
  
occaisions where he and the gang had run into genuine  
  
spooks.  
  
If nothing else, that sword looked really sharp.  
  
"Ooooooh, leave mortals," the Ghost of El Rapier moaned,  
  
"or prepare to face eternal da..."  
  
"I'm so not impressed," Buffy interupted. Barging her  
  
way past Shaggy and Scooby, she approached El Rapier. "Is  
  
this Zorro wannabe supposed to be scary?"  
  
El Rapier waved his luminescent sword at Buffy as she  
  
stalked - there was no other description for it - toward  
  
him. "Beware, mortal, the blade of El Rapier!"  
  
In a blur of motion, Buffy replied with a one-handed  
  
swing of her axe. El Rapier's blade fell to the floor,  
  
severed neatly at the hilt.  
  
"I will make your torment eternal!" El Rapier moaned. He  
  
might have sounded more impressive if he didn't sound so  
  
nervous, or wasn't backing away from Buffy.  
  
"Ha! I'd like to see you try," Buffy taunted back.  
  
As if in reply, there was a brilliant green flash and  
  
Buffy was suddenly gone. The Scooby gang's response was  
  
understandable.  
  
"YOINKS!" They ran.  
  
***  
  
"That's your 'little thing'?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"Hey, hey, I'm still working on it," Dawn said quickly.  
  
"At least I'm getting better at this."  
  
"The other Powers are sooo going to kill me."  
  
***  
  
"Okay, I think we lost them," Willow said to Alice.  
  
"How can you be sure?" Alice asked. "This place twists  
  
and turns about so. It makes no sense." She sounded  
  
amazingly like Buffy did during that Halloween night when  
  
they all turned into their costumes, complete with bad  
  
English accent. Of course, that shouldn't have surprised  
  
Willow since Alice looked like Buffy, too.  
  
"Now that's not true," Willow disagreed. "Now admittedly  
  
the rules of this world are way different from the one we  
  
came from, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. To  
  
figure them out, be observant and sees what works and  
  
what doesn't."  
  
"Have you figured out what these rules are?" Alice asked.  
  
"Um, no," Willow admitted. This world was monkeying with  
  
her magical senses. The few bits of Lewis Carrol that she  
  
could remember was barely helping.  
  
"Hmph!" Alice folded her arms and looked all haughty.  
  
Any reply Willow might have made was put on hold by a  
  
brilliant green flash. Suddenly, Willow was looking at  
  
two Alices. Or was that two Buffies? The newcomer was  
  
dressed head to toe in white skin-tight leather and  
  
carrying the Scythe.  
  
The newcomer took one look at Alice and groaned. "Aw, not  
  
again!"  
  
"Buffy?" Willow said.  
  
"Willow?" the newcomer replied, her head turning to  
  
Willow. That was all the confirmation Willow needed.  
  
"You're alive!" they exclaimed at the same time and fell  
  
into each others' arms.  
  
"What's with the hair and hospital gown?" Buffy asked  
  
after a moment.  
  
"Oh, I got these after blowing up Sunnydale," Willow told  
  
her friend.  
  
"After you what?" Buffy replied, baffled. "Sunnydale was  
  
still there last I looked."  
  
"Making sense indeed," Alice sniffed. "I'm better off on  
  
my own." Unnoticed by the reunited friends, she wandered  
  
off on her own.  
  
***  
  
"I'm not sure if that helps," Cordelia said.  
  
"I know what I'm doing," Dawn reassured her. "Trust me on  
  
this."  
  
"Like I got a choice?"  
  
***  
  
"So... what do we know about our guest?" General Jack  
  
O'Neil, CO of Stargate Command, asked. He was seated at  
  
the head of table in the SGC's briefing room. Seated  
  
around the table was SG-1, or SG-1b as he liked to think  
  
of it since Carter had taken it over. On the briefing  
  
room table was a surprisingly huge array of weapons and  
  
gadgetry that their "guest" had hidden on his person.  
  
"Sir, I think Lieutenant Harris should answer that,"  
  
Carter replied. "Since our guest is his duplicate after  
  
all, I had him interview our guest."  
  
"Harris?" O'Neil prompted.  
  
"Well, sir, he's a handsome guy who has some funny ideas  
  
about which service is better," Harris groused. "He  
  
claimed that I should have gone with Marines or Army  
  
instead of the - and I quote - 'namby pamby' Air Force.  
  
Considering he never joined up himse... OW!"  
  
That last came from Lieutenant Emily Francisco kicking  
  
Harris under the table. O'Neil decided to ignore it.  
  
Harris was too much like himself as it was. "Get to the  
  
point, Harris," O'Neil prodded.  
  
"Yes, sir," Harris winced. His Tectonese squad member  
  
must have kicked him pretty hard. "As near as we can  
  
tell, he's from a parallel reality."  
  
"Oh, one of those," O'Neil groaned. "Lemme guess... his  
  
world's been over run by the Goa'uld and he's here to  
  
warn us of impending doom. Am I right?"  
  
"Actually, no sir," Harris replied. "Our guest has never  
  
heard of the Goa'uld, his world is just fine, and he has  
  
no idea how he wound up here."  
  
"Well, that's a change," O'Neil said relieved.  
  
"Although he did mention that in his world," Harris  
  
continued, "my... his hometown of Sunnydale had fallen  
  
into the world's biggest pothole. I'm glad that hasn't  
  
happened here."  
  
O'Neil's face suddenly froze as he remembered a bit of  
  
news he saw while SG-1 had been offworld. Until now, he  
  
hadn't made the connection. And SG-1 hadn't had a chance  
  
yet to catch up on the news...  
  
"Sir? Is something wrong?" Carter asked, concerned.  
  
***  
  
"Hey, I found Xander," Cordelia announced.  
  
"That's great," Dawn replied absently, busy with another  
  
task. "Hold on a sec."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Recruiting."  
  
"Recuiting who? There are only supposed to be three of  
  
them," Cordelia looked at what Dawn was doing. "Him? Why  
  
him?"  
  
"What, it's not obvious?"  
  
***  
  
"You're not my Buffy."  
  
"And you're not my Willow."  
  
"Wow, this is depressing," Willow sighed. It took some  
  
note comparing, but they figured out pretty quickly that  
  
they weren't quite from the same universe. That meant all  
  
their friends were still dead including their versions of  
  
each other.  
  
"Tell me about it," Buffy agreed.  
  
"Okay," Willow said. "What appears to have happened is  
  
that our timelines diverged after I came back from the  
  
Dark Side. It's not like we haven't met people from  
  
divergent timelines before. There was the vamp me."  
  
"Is that possible?" Buffy mused. "I always thought that  
  
time was linear. Linear like a ball of yarn maybe, but  
  
still linear. Things like your vampire double I just  
  
chalked up Wish-induced detours. Heck, I just escaped  
  
from a twenty thousand year long time loop."  
  
"Twenty thousand years?" Willow echoed in confusion.  
  
"Well, it's kind of hard to put an exact date on things,"  
  
Buffy began. Seeing that Willow's confusion was not  
  
alleviated, Buffy sighed. "I suppose I should start at  
  
the..."  
  
Buffy was interupted by wooping noise. As they watched,  
  
a phone booth with blacked out windows appeared in front  
  
of them. Smoke was emanating from various nooks and  
  
crannies.  
  
"Funny, I don't recall Lewis Carrol ever mentioning any  
  
cheshire phone booths," Willow commented.  
  
The door of the phone booth opened and a coughing figure  
  
stumbled out. "Oh dear, oh dear," the man said, regarding  
  
the smoking phone booth. He was immediately familiar.  
  
"This will not do. Won't do at all." He took notice of  
  
the two girls staring at him, "I say, young ladies,  
  
perhaps you could help me. I am..."  
  
"GILES?" Buffy and Willow chorused.  
  
***  
  
"You've got to be kidding," Cordelia said doubtfully.  
  
"That's not even really Giles. ANY version of Giles."  
  
"Hey, if it walks like Giles and talks like Giles and  
  
acts like Giles..." Dawn shrugged. "Now, where's Xander?"  
  
***  
  
"I thought you might like to know that I made a few phone  
  
calls," Harris told his double. "Willow and the others  
  
are just fine, even if Sunnydale has still turned into a  
  
giant pothole."  
  
"I'm glad for you," Xander replied. He flicked a piece of  
  
his lunch at Harris. It hit one of the lasers criss-  
  
crossing his cell bars and was promptly annihilated. "Can  
  
I get out now?"  
  
"The General says I can let you out," Harris replied as  
  
he shut off the lasers. "You'll still be restricted to a  
  
couple levels here, though."  
  
"Fine. Can I get my stuff back?"  
  
"You mean your portable armory?" Harris snorted as he  
  
opened the cell door. "Don't push your luck. How'd you  
  
get all that stuff under your coat anyway?"  
  
"Call it a trade secret," Xander the immortal told his  
  
mortal alternate as the former stepped out of the cell.  
  
"By the way, who's your girlfriend?"  
  
"Lieutenant Francisco is my teammate, not my girlfriend,"  
  
Harris replied irratibly. "Why does everybody assume  
  
that?"  
  
"Because she's pretty, female, and not human?" Xander  
  
suggested. "Not to mention the same rank you are."  
  
"Harris, he has a point," Francisco said, speaking for  
  
the first time. "You do seem to attract those types."  
  
"Name one, Francisco," Harris challenged.  
  
"Well, there was that one time with Osiris..."  
  
"But not in front of the guy who doesn't have clearance,"  
  
Harris added quickly, nodding to Xander.  
  
"So... are you available?" Xander asked Francisco.  
  
"Pardon?" Francisco asked in confusion.  
  
"For a date I mean," Xander explained. "When this all  
  
settles down, maybe we could go for a coffee together or  
  
something."  
  
"Oh, now wait a..." Harris began to interupt. Francisco  
  
elbowed him. "Oof!"  
  
"I might be available," Francisco said slowly. "But how  
  
do I know you won't disappear into another dimension  
  
again? You don't even know how you got here,"  
  
"Hey, for all I know, I could be whisked home right now,"  
  
Xander replied.  
  
There was a lull in the conversation as if all three were  
  
waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. After some  
  
time, Harris finally broke the silence.  
  
"Man, that usually works."  
  
***  
  
"Hey, you're not going to 'port Xander to the others?"  
  
Cordelia asked in confusion.  
  
"Nope." Dawn replied.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Just watch."  
  
***  
  
"So, if you're not Rupert Giles, who are you?" Buffy  
  
asked slowly.  
  
"I am a Time Lord called the Watcher," the Giles double  
  
said.  
  
"The Watcher," Buffy repeated. "Of course."  
  
"You're a Time Lord?" Willow asked. "Like the Doctor?"  
  
"Doctor who?" Buffy asked in confusion.  
  
"Exactly," Willow said absently.  
  
"Ah yes, the Doctor," the Watcher said bemused. "I take  
  
it you've met my errant nephew?"  
  
"Yes, he visited Sunnydale once," Willow told him.  
  
"Hey, I never met any doctor!" Buffy said indignantly.  
  
"Oh, I guess that's another divergence between your  
  
timeline and mine," Willow soothed Buffy.  
  
"I take it you young ladies are from parallel timelines?"  
  
the Watcher inquired.  
  
"Yeah, but we don't know how we got here," Willow told  
  
the Time Lord. "Hey, since you're here, could you give  
  
us a lift home in your TARDIS?" She patted the phone  
  
booth's side.  
  
"What's a Tardy? Turdee?" Buffy asked, still confused.  
  
"Absolutely not!" the Watcher said indignantly, ignoring  
  
Buffy.  
  
"Why not?" Willow asked. "The Doctor takes passengers."  
  
"Unlike the Doctor," the Watcher said slowly, as if to a  
  
little child, "I do not take passengers. I do not  
  
interfere. I watch, which is how I got my name."  
  
"Oh..." Willow said, downcast.  
  
"Besides," the Watcher continued. "My TARDIS was damaged  
  
by a chance encounter with a filament of anti-dimensional  
  
energy. It's not going anywhere."  
  
***  
  
"Um, oops?" Dawn repeated. 


	3. Wheelin' dealin' and something about a s...

The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 3  
  
"Alright, I can fix this," Dawn said, trying to sound convincing.  
  
Just who she was trying to convince was anyone's guess. "I just need to,  
  
um, figure out how."  
  
"Oh, no," Cordelia denied. "We're overdrawn on our deus ex credit  
  
as it is. No more interventions for you."  
  
"Aw, Cordy..." Dawn began to whine.  
  
"Nope, we're just going to have to wait and see if they can make  
  
it on their own," Cordelia told her firmly. Then she thought about what  
  
she just said. "Oh, God, I can't believe I just said that."  
  
***  
  
"Wow," Willow breathed upon entering the TARDIS. "It feels  
  
wonderful in here. The magical forces seem almost familiar. Not all  
  
strange and twisted like outside."  
  
"Of course it does. The TARDIS exists inside an expanded space-  
  
time bubble that functions as a pocket universe," the Watcher replied  
  
snippishly. "The interior laws of physics must be constant for the  
  
machinery to function properly. Did you think they would change to match  
  
the laws of whatever universe the doorway interface was in? That would be  
  
a recipe for chaos!"  
  
It had taken a combination of pleading, dealing, and strong arm  
  
tactics to get the Time Lord to agree to transporting Buffy and Willow  
  
anywhere. The Watcher was pretty much immune to pleading. The dealing  
  
involved helping the Watcher to fix his TARDIS. As for the strong arm  
  
tactics...  
  
"Could you please release my arm now?" the Watcher asked Buffy.  
  
"Huh? Oh sure." Buffy looked around the TARDIS interior as the  
  
Watcher pumped his arm in an attempt to get some feeling back into them.  
  
There wasn't much to see. "What's with all the smoke?"  
  
"Ah, that would be from the burning machinery," the Watcher  
  
replied. "Do you require a lecture on the physics of thermally driven  
  
oxidation of reactive materials?"  
  
"Huh?" Buffy said, not quite following.  
  
"Burning," Willow clarified for the Watcher. "I don't think we  
  
can work in these conditions."  
  
"Yes, quite," the Watcher agreed. "We need to put out the fires  
  
and wait for the smoke to clear as the first thing..."  
  
"Okay, can do." Willow closed her eyes and spoke two... They  
  
weren't quite words, more like the concept behind words as impressed on  
  
reality.  
  
CLEAR.  
  
The smoke vanished. The whole room was visible once again. Here  
  
and there fires still burned, busy attempting to replace the vanished  
  
smoke.  
  
EXTINGUISH.  
  
The fires puffed out of existance.  
  
"Okay, done," Willow announced as she opened her eyes. She took  
  
in the view of the TARDIS' main hall. "Oh. Wow."  
  
"There is no way this could be a coincidence," Buffy commented,  
  
seeing the same thing. The TARDIS' main hall looked like a library. The  
  
central area was an octagonal shape with a lushly carved wooden table in  
  
it. Beyond it was a raised floor where shelves full of books radiated away  
  
into seeming infinity. To their right was a series of cages where  
  
mysterious equipment and paraphenalia was kept. To their right was a  
  
counter and door leading to other areas of the TARDIS. Behind them was the  
  
exit to the outside.  
  
In short, the place looked like the Sunnydale High library.  
  
"Ah, yes," the Watcher broke in, "a rather impressive feat of  
  
direct mind to matter manipulation."  
  
"It was just magic," Willow said modestly.  
  
"Nonsense, there is no such thing as magic," the Time Lord said  
  
dismissively. "'Magic' are only those forces that have gone unexplained  
  
by primitive minds with only a primitive comprehension of what they are  
  
dealing with."  
  
"Definitely not our Giles," BUffy murmured.  
  
"Of course not," the Watcher told her. "Now, this 'Giles' person  
  
may be a resemble a temporal double of me, but in truth, given an infinite  
  
number of possible universes, the probability that..."  
  
"Hey, Watcher," Buffy interupted. "Is there any time when you open  
  
your mouth that you don't start spouting technobabble?"  
  
"Now, see here..." the Watcher began to sputter.  
  
"Uh, maybe we could start fixing your TARDIS?" Willow intervened,  
  
trying to play peacemaker. She glanced at Buffy. This Buffy seemed to have  
  
a harder edge than her own Buffy. That last comment didn't have the  
  
playful tone her own Buffy would have put in it. In fact, since entering  
  
the TARDIS, Willow had sensed something... off about her, but she couldn't  
  
quite say what that was. It was more than the sheer power and age that  
  
Buffy seemed to radiate.  
  
"Yes, rightly so," Giles agreed. "Come this way." He lead them off  
  
deeper into the TARDIS.  
  
***  
  
"So, Mister Harris..." General O'Neil began.  
  
"Call me Xander," Xander interupted from the end of the briefing  
  
table.  
  
"MISTER Harris," O'Neil began again, "would you be so good as to  
  
explain why there's human blood on your sword?"  
  
"My sword?" Xander said innocently. "Which one?"  
  
"Y'know, the one you were waving around when you first appeared?"  
  
O'Neil prompted, picking up the sword in question. It was still blood  
  
stained.  
  
"Oh, that one," Xander said with exagerated realization. "Self  
  
defense."  
  
"Self defense?" O'Neil echoed in disbelief. "You carry all this"  
  
he gestured at the array of guns, knives, and unidentifiable whatzits  
  
littering the table, "and you use a SWORD in self defense?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "It was the first thing at hand."  
  
O'Neil rubbed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on. "Daniel,  
  
your turn."  
  
"This is a nice sword you have," Doctor Daniel Jackson began,  
  
taking the sword in hand. "A Japanese katana, no less."  
  
"It'd be even nicer if you'd let me clean it," Xander replied.  
  
"The blood will cause rust eventually. That'll bring down its historical  
  
value, y'know."  
  
"I doubt it," Daniel replied. "We tested the sword. It's been made  
  
very recently using very modern alloys. I doubt it's even ten years old."  
  
"It's a long term investment," Xander adlibbed.  
  
"There's something I don't understand though," Daniel continued,  
  
examining the blade closely, but carefully. It was extremely sharp. "What  
  
are these symbols etched into the blade?"  
  
"They're very pretty?"  
  
"Did you know they're actually glyphs in an obscure ancient  
  
dialect of Sumerian?" Daniel asked. "As near as I can tell, it's a request  
  
or plea to the god Marduk to guide and protect the warrior holding this  
  
weapon."  
  
"So what?" Xander said. "You guys got something against ancient  
  
gods?"  
  
***  
  
"This is the Well of Eyegon," the Watcher explained. He indicated  
  
a pit twenty feet across. A luminescent fog filled it, wisps of it  
  
drifting off. "The Well is the TARDIS' power source. Without it, the  
  
TARDIS is incapable of traversing spce-time." The Time Lord pointed to a  
  
large, thick disk to the side that looked like it had been carelessly  
  
tossed aside. "The cover needs to be placed back on the well before we  
  
can strart drawing power again. But without power, the lid cannot be  
  
moved."  
  
"Why not?" Buffy asked.  
  
"It is simply too massive," the Time Lord replied. "The lid has  
  
several components made out of neutronium, totalling perhaps a thousand  
  
tons. And there is simply too little ambient energy for Willow to tap to  
  
lift it."  
  
"Why don't I draw on the Well?" Willow asked. "There's plenty of  
  
power there."  
  
"No, absolutely not!" the Watcher answered vehemently. "Doing so  
  
would cause... cause..." He trailed off in shock.  
  
Willow and the Watcher stared as Buffy physically lifted the lid  
  
with her bare hands and dropped it onto the Well. A little pushing and  
  
shoving, and she had the Well fully covered.  
  
"Okay, how's that?" Buffy asked, not even breathing hard.  
  
"Perfect," the Watcher said without humor, "except that the lid is  
  
upside down."  
  
***  
  
Xander thought he was holding his own quite well. His hosts would  
  
ask pointed questions and he kept on giving non-answers. If it weren't for  
  
the bloody sword, he guessed that he would have been released by now.  
  
And then it hit him like a hammer blow. The familiar buzzing  
  
feeling of a nearby immortal, only this was way more powerful. Instead of  
  
a buzz, it was more like a cacophany.  
  
A knock on the door and Colonel Carter stepped in.  
  
"Sir, the Secretary of State is here," she announced. A man  
  
followed her in. Xander looked at him and stifled a yelp of recognition.  
  
"Sir," General O'Neil greeted neutrally, rising to meet their  
  
guest. "What brings you to Stargate Command?"  
  
"Why, your otherworldly visitor, General," Connor MacLeod replied.  
  
***  
  
"Well, everything seems to be in working order," the Watcher  
  
commented after the third check. "The repairs appear to be adequate even  
  
though much of the work was done by primatives."  
  
"You're welcome," Buffy said drily. They sat around the table in  
  
the main hall. The chairs here were much more comfortable than theones in  
  
the old Sunnydale High's library.  
  
"So can you take us back to our home dimensions now?" Willow  
  
asked.  
  
"Yes, yes," the Watcher replied absently, opening a book and  
  
taking a quill pen in hand. "All that remains is determining your exact  
  
timelines of origin." He began to scribble in the book. As he did, the  
  
background hums changed pitch and rythm, and indication that something was  
  
happening.  
  
"Hey, what's with the books?" Buffy asked. "I thought there'd be  
  
panels of blinky lights and switches."  
  
"I like books," the Watcher replied absently, "so I had my TARDIS  
  
customized with a nonstandard user interface that only appear to be books,  
  
pens, and the like."  
  
"Okay, my worldview just took a critical hit," Buffy said slowly.  
  
"I'd never thought I'd hear Giles use terms like 'user interface' of his  
  
own free will."  
  
"Yeah, isn't it neat?" Willow added.  
  
"I am not this Giles person," the Watcher retorted. He frowned at  
  
his book. "This is odd..."  
  
"What now?" Buffy inquired.  
  
"My TARDIS's next destination has already been programmed in,"  
  
the Watcher answered. "I'm sure it wasn't there before."  
  
"Oh, maybe that's where we're supposed to go next," Willow said  
  
thoughtfully.  
  
"Pardon?" the Watcher asked.  
  
"Well, Buffy said it earlier. This" Willow gestured around her,  
  
indicating all of them, "can't be a coincidence. Somebody brought us all  
  
together for a purpose. Maybe it's to fight some Big Bad somewhere."  
  
"Hmm, or it could be a trap," Buffy mused. "Of course, given the  
  
lack of information, it's kinda hard to tell the difference some times."  
  
"Now see here, I do not get myself involved in these shenanigans,"  
  
the Watcher protested. "I watch and record. Those are my duties."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, you don't have to get your hands dirty," Buffy said,  
  
a hint of contempt in her voice. "Just get us there." She twirled the  
  
Scythe like a baton for emphasis. "We'll take care of the rest."  
  
***  
  
"Connor, good to see you, man!" Xander greeted when he was alone  
  
with the other immortal in the briefing room. Connor had insisted over  
  
General O'Neil's protests.  
  
"I take it we know each other in your reality?" Connor asked. "Ah,  
  
of course, there you were a student of mine. Correct?"  
  
"Yeah. Obviously, my counterpart here isn't an immortal," Xander  
  
replied. "So how'd you know I was your student then?"  
  
"I read your mind."  
  
There was a moment of silence as Xander digested that fact. "Okay,  
  
that's not an ability my Connor has," Xander said slowly.  
  
"That's likely because in your reality, the Gathering has yet to  
  
occur," Connor told him. "Here, it has."  
  
"It has?" Xander echoed. "Uh, does that mean you need to lop off  
  
my head?"  
  
"No, Xander," Connor chuckled. "I have no need of your Quickening.  
  
I've already won the Prize."  
  
"Whew, that's a relief." Then the rest of Connor's statement  
  
clicked together in Xander's mind. "The Prize? Really? What is it?"  
  
In reply, Connor held out his hand. Xander's sword floated up from  
  
the table into his hand. As Xander watched, a wave of electrical sparks  
  
flowed from Connor's hand across the blade, cleaning the dried blood off.  
  
"Let's just say that the Prize has made me the kind of man I am  
  
today," Connor added.  
  
***  
  
"What the hell happened here?" Buffy asked.  
  
Having arrived at their destination, Buffy, Willow, and the  
  
Watcher had exited the TARDIS to have a look around. They had emerged into  
  
a devastated city. The damage was extensive, but the remains of the Eiffel  
  
Tower in the distance was a good clue. The Tower appeared to be subject to  
  
an ongoing series of lightning strikes at what was currently its top.  
  
Aside from the three of them, there was not a soul in sight.  
  
"Oh, dear, this is not right, not right at all," the Watcher  
  
fretted as he consulted a book in his hand.  
  
"I'll say," Willow added. "This world feels in turmoil. I'm  
  
getting all kinds of conflicting vibes."  
  
"According to my logs, this world shouldn't be like this," the  
  
Watcher explained. "An immortal by the name of Duncan MacLeod had won the  
  
Prize on this world a few years ago. Whoever wins the Prize on a given  
  
world has the power to lead that world into a new golden age or plunge  
  
that world into hell. Last word we had, MacLeod doing the former."  
  
"Yeah? Well it looks like..." BUffy began. She was interupted  
  
when something the size of a car with lots of teeth and claws jumped out  
  
of the shadows at them. Several seconds later, Buffy had literally torn it  
  
to pieces. Somehow, her white leather suit was still spotless. "...he  
  
changed his mind," she finished.  
  
"Oh dear, I don't understand how this could have happened," the  
  
Watcher added, wiping off some splatter. Buffy had been less careful with  
  
her companions.  
  
"I do," Willow said suddenly. She was staring off into the  
  
distance at something only she could see. "The Hellmouths, ALL the  
  
Hellmouths are open." As if in emphasis, a flock of somethings too big to  
  
be birds flew by overhead.  
  
"Okay, looks like it's our job to put a stop to this," Buffy said  
  
grimly. "Where do we find this Duncan guy?"  
  
"Hmm, the power of the Prize is closely associated with lightning  
  
and electricity," the Time Lord said, studying his book.  
  
"Right, looks like we're off to the Eiffel Tower," Buffy  
  
concluded. Without waiting for the others, she set off in the Tower's  
  
direction, her way well illuminated by the constant lightning strikes.  
  
***  
  
"So what kind of man did the Prize make you?" Xander asked gamely.  
  
Connor put Xander's sword back on the table and looked Xander  
  
directly. So Xander didn't miss it when electricity flashed across  
  
Connor's eyes.  
  
"It made me God."  
  
***  
  
"Dawn, wasn't the gang supposed to pick up Xander first before  
  
facing the Big Bad?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"Oh, um, I think I got the coordinates to the two worlds mixed  
  
up," Dawn replied, embarrased. "Um..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Cordelia said heavily. "'Oops'." 


	4. Devil Ex Machina

Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 4  
  
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author  
  
EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com  
  
Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.  
  
Spoilers: Anything goes  
  
Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful incarnations of  
  
the Scooby Gang have been gathered to battle the Ultimate Evil. But  
  
first, they have to get along with each other.  
  
Disclaimer: Characters and concepts belong to their owners who I'm too  
  
lazy to list.  
  
"Cordelia, we have to get Xander to them!"  
  
"I know, I know! But we're way overdrawn on the deus ex machinas  
  
as it is."  
  
"So what do we do?"  
  
"Let me think for minute, Dawn."  
  
***  
  
"Okay, Watcher, what are we up against?" Buffy asked. The three  
  
of them strolled down a wide open street that led straight to the base of  
  
the Eiffel Tower. They made no attempt to sneak at all. They had reached  
  
a quick consensus that sneaking through the shadows would only slow them  
  
down for no good reason. This way, they could at least see any attackers  
  
come at them.  
  
"A god," the Watcher said simply.  
  
"Okay, a god," Willow repeated, nodding her head. "Not a problem,  
  
we've fought a god before and won when we were less... talented than we  
  
are now. Details would be kinda nice though."  
  
"I'm not sure I should provide details," the Watcher told them.  
  
"It is my mandate to observe and record, not to get involved."  
  
"Okay, if you feel that way, fine," Buffy said, seemingly amused.  
  
She pointed with the Scythe at a dragon flying by. It was swerving in  
  
their direction. "You stay right here and observe all you like." The  
  
dragon swept low in what looked suspiciously like a strafing run. "I'm  
  
sure all these nice demons will be happy to keep you company."  
  
The dragon spat fire.  
  
SHIELD.  
  
The fire bounced off an invisible dome over their heads.  
  
"Buffy..." Willow began.  
  
"Or you could go back to the your Turdness," Buffy continued  
  
cheerfully. "It's only, what, two blocks?" Back the way they had come,  
  
something vaguely snake like and ten feet thick slithered around a  
  
corner. A gang of tentacled somethings rounded the opposite corner. Both  
  
were headed in their direction.  
  
"Oh, dear," the Watcher said nervously, He looked as if he might  
  
have been wringing both hands, but they were busy holding on to a "book"  
  
that was probably some Time Lord equivalent of a PDA.  
  
More fire bathed their protective dome. "Alright, that's enough,"  
  
Willow said, annoyed.  
  
FREEZE.  
  
The dragon fell out of the sky like a stone... or a block of ice.  
  
It hit the already cracked pavement and shattered into a million pieces.  
  
"Or you can stay with us and explain what the hell we're facing,"  
  
Buffy concluded.  
  
"Very well," the Watcher sighed, opening his book. "I suppose it  
  
would be best to start from the beginning.  
  
"Look on the bright side," Buffy added. "You get to watch from up  
  
close."  
  
Tentacles burst through the pavement under their feet.  
  
***  
  
"You're a god?" Xander said. "What? How?"  
  
"I suppose it would be best to start at the beginning," Connor  
  
MacLeod replied. He paused for a second, considering. "Once upon a time,  
  
demons ruled the Earth... ah, you know this part. Okay, we'll skip ahead  
  
to the emergence of early humanity."  
  
"That'd be great."  
  
"Anyway," Connor continued, "one of the ruling gods looked upon  
  
this newly born humanity that was neither god nor demon and became  
  
fascinated with them. He took them under His wing so to speak, taught  
  
them the things they needed to survive against the competing demons, and  
  
commanded His subordinate gods and demons to do the same. "He came to  
  
care for them and love them in His own abstract way." Connor paused a  
  
moment.  
  
"But He didn't understand them."  
  
***  
  
"How could a god understand mortal human beings?" the Watcher  
  
lectured. The three of them were walking towards the Tower again and  
  
encountering some resistance.  
  
Buffy impaled a classic looking devil on its own pitchfork.  
  
"After all, humans had such short lifespans," the Watcher  
  
continued, trying not to take any notice of the surounding mayhem. He  
  
was starting to stutter here and there. "This god was for all intents and  
  
purposes immortal compared to them."  
  
A flock of infernal pigeons attempted to divebomb them. Willow  
  
took care of them with some chain lightning that bounced between them.  
  
"And of course, humans were incredibly frail next to the average  
  
demon, never mind the god," the Watcher said, pressing his nose into his  
  
book to avoid looking at the monstrosities coming at them. "And let's not  
  
forget..."  
  
Buffy brained a yellow ball-like thing that was all mouth and  
  
teeth with its own lower jaw. "We get the point," she grunted. The demons  
  
were coming at them in dribs and drabs, not all at once. It was a walk in  
  
the park... or down the street in this case.  
  
"Ah, yes, of course," the Watcher said. "So, one day, the god  
  
came upon one of his pet humans who was somewhat disgruntled with him."  
  
Willow freaked at the sight of a monstrous frog. The frog  
  
promptly exploded. So did its companions, a humanoid pig with long blonde  
  
hair and a humaoid bear wearing a tie.  
  
"The god asked this man why he was disgruntled. The man replied  
  
it was because that the god did not know humanity. He had no empathy for  
  
them. So why should this god continue to rule over humanity?"  
  
Buffy broke something blue, furry, and reasonably humanoid over  
  
her knee. For some reason, it was wearing tacky yellow speedos with some  
  
kind of "X" symbol where a belt buckle would be.  
  
"So, of course, the god struck the man dead for his insolence."  
  
Willow called down lightning on a gang of humanoid turtles.  
  
***  
  
"Nice guy," Xander said sourly.  
  
"Compared to some of His peers, yes he was," Connor told him.  
  
"After all, the others were exceedingly fond of torture while He was  
  
not."  
  
"Hmm, good point."  
  
"Anyway, even though the god had struck the man down," Connor  
  
continued, "the man's question continued to plague him. How could he  
  
continue to rule humanity if he didn't understand their needs? He thought  
  
about it so much that he consulted his closest advisors. He asked them  
  
for advice on what to do. After much debate and argument and lots of  
  
proposals, the god chose the one suggested by his chief lieutenant."  
  
"So what proposal was it?" Xander asked.  
  
"He would become human."  
  
"Oh, is that all?"  
  
"It wasn't quite so simple as that, Xander. A god can't just be  
  
stuffed into a human form and still pull off a convincing act as a human.  
  
Aside from His mind and memories, there was His sheer power to deal  
  
with."  
  
"So what was his solution?" Xander was beginning to have a  
  
suspicion where this fable was leading.  
  
"He divided Himself up or had His subordinates divide Him up -  
  
the details are kind of obscure here - and scattered His fragments across  
  
the world. The fragments would then take the form of human babies to be  
  
raised by humans and live among them, unaware of what they truly were.  
  
This wouldn't happen all at once, mind you. The fragments would take  
  
human form over a long period of time, millenia in fact."  
  
"Why not do it all at once?" Xander asked, feeling a little  
  
queasy.  
  
"So He didn't become a signifigant percentage of the human  
  
population," Connor answered. "There weren't that many at the time. He  
  
also wanted to experience every aspect of humanity, living every possible  
  
kind of life that humans lived. Good and evil. Prince and peasant. Hero  
  
and villain..."  
  
"Okay, I get it," Xander interupted. "I'm a fragment of a god.  
  
But why the immortality? Why the Game? Why the hell do we run around  
  
trying to cut each other's heads off?"  
  
"The immortality is a byproduct of the god's power. Even in their  
  
reduced state, the fragments will instinctively use their power to keep  
  
themselves alive. But there are limits to how well a fragment can heal  
  
its physical form."  
  
"Like beheading."  
  
Connor nodded. "Exactly. If the fragment's physical vessel is  
  
damaged beyond repair, it will immediately seek out the nearest other  
  
fragment with an intact body to combine with. In spite of His divided  
  
state, the god is instinctively trying to reassemble itself. And the last  
  
fragment's personality will be the defining personality of the god once  
  
He has been reassembled. And he would have his full powers again.  
  
"Hence the Game."  
  
"Wow," Xander breathed. He wondered what would if happen if a bad  
  
guy won the Prize.  
  
***  
  
"Great, so we're dealing with a god gone bad, huh?" Buffy asked  
  
as she chopped her way through a crowd of garden variety vampires. There  
  
was no sun to fry them because of the cloud cover swirling around the  
  
Tower.  
  
"Essentially, yes," the Watcher confirmed.  
  
"But he's freshly reassembled, right?" Willow asked as she fire  
  
bombed a pack of hellhounds. "That means he should be rusty on using his  
  
powers."  
  
"One would assume so," the Watcher said doubtfully.  
  
A few more steps, and it was like they crossed an invisible  
  
barrier. Buffy and Willow couldn't see it, but they suddenly felt it. It  
  
was like static electicity crawling across their skin. The power was  
  
immense, like walking into a wall.  
  
The demons liked it even less. They came up against it... and  
  
stopped. They could all see the demons flocking to the Tower, but they  
  
all stopped at the border of an invisible circle centered on the Eiffel  
  
Tower.  
  
"Y'know, I kinda assumed that all these demons were being sent  
  
at us by this Duncan MacLeod," Willow mused aloud. "Funny how they don't  
  
want to get too near him though."  
  
"Darn. And I was having fun too," Buffy pouted.  
  
Willow eyed Buffy strangely. "I think it's his natural aura  
  
that's holding them back. If it this had been an intentional ward, I  
  
think he's got enough power here to at least slow us down."  
  
"Maybe he doesn't know we're coming," Buffy guessed. "After all,  
  
who'd be expecting us? We didn't exactly come from this reality after  
  
all."  
  
"I suppose..." Willow broke off and looked around. "Hey, where'd  
  
our Giles inpersonator go?"  
  
"There he is," Buffy said, spotting the errant Time Lord. He was  
  
at the base of the Tower, studying what appeared to be a severed human  
  
head stuck on an improvised pike. The "pike" had apparently been made  
  
from a chunk of the Tower's structural steel. The head was the first  
  
piece of any human remains they had seen on this world.  
  
"Oh dear, oh dear..." the Watcher was muttering to himself as the  
  
girls approached.  
  
"Gee, morbid much?" Buffy asked, bemused. She seemed completely  
  
unaffected by the gruesome trophy.  
  
Willow just stared at the head like she was going to be sick.  
  
"Buffy, how can you be so callous?" Willow asked.  
  
"It's just a severed head, Willow," Buffy replied casually.  
  
"Nothing that we haven't seen before."  
  
"This isn't just any head," the Watcher disagreed. "This is the  
  
head of Duncan MacLeod."  
  
***  
  
"There's something that's bugging me," Xander commented as he  
  
gathered up his gear. Connor had given him permission to gather up his  
  
things after telling him the origin of immortals. There was alot of junk  
  
here. Picking up all these items and putting them in their assigned  
  
hiding spaces was taking some time.  
  
"You're wondering what became of the god's...my...our advisors,"  
  
Connor stated.  
  
"Geez, would you stop with the mind reading?"  
  
"Can't help it," Connor replied with a shrug.  
  
"Okay, so what happened to them? Are they still around?"  
  
"Yes, actually, they are." Connor grinned. "They were charged  
  
with keeping humanity safe from the demons while I was... indisposed. I  
  
believe you call them the Powers that Be."  
  
***  
  
"Whoa, is that true, Cordelia?"  
  
"I... have no idea. I never bothered to ask the bosses about  
  
their origins. I just assumed they'd always been there." Codelia thought  
  
for a moment. "Y'know, I think we can pull just one more Deus ex  
  
Machina."  
  
"Cool! I'll..."  
  
"Not you, Dawn. I'm doing this one."  
  
"Awww..."  
  
***  
  
"Sir, no disrespect intended," General O'Neill said slowly, "but  
  
are you out of your mind?!"  
  
"General, please," Connor said soothingly. "Mr. Harris, has  
  
satisfied me as to his intentions. He poses no threat to the SGC or any  
  
of its personel. In fact he may even be a valuable asset to your  
  
operations if he decides to join up."  
  
Once Xander had put all his stuff away, hidden inside the depths  
  
of his black long coat, Connor had called the General and SG-1 back to  
  
the briefing room.  
  
"But we don't know the first thing about him," O'Neill argued.  
  
"Sure you do," Xander broke in. "You already got a version of me  
  
working here. What's one..." He was interupted my tinny music.  
  
"Where's that coming from?" O'Neill asked. The tinny music  
  
sounded again. Everyone looked at Xander.  
  
Somewhat abashed, Xander reached into his coat and pulled out a  
  
cell phone. It rung again.  
  
"Okay, now that's impossible," Samantha Carter said finally.  
  
"Even assuming that there's an identical cell phone like that in this  
  
reality, we're nearly half a mile underground. There is no way it can get  
  
a satelite signal down here."  
  
The cell phone rung again.  
  
"Ma'am, I don't think the phone agrees with you," Lieutenant  
  
Harris commented.  
  
"Hey, that's my line," O'Neill said.  
  
"Sorry, sir," Harris said quickly.  
  
The phone sang out again.  
  
"Are you going to answer that?" the General asked Xander.  
  
"Oh, right." Hesitantly, Xander unfolded his cell phone and put  
  
it to his ear. "Hello?"  
  
"Xander?" came a familiar voice.  
  
"Cordy? Is that you?" Xander asked.  
  
"Cordy?" Harris echoed in surprise.  
  
***  
  
From where he had sheared the top off the Eiffel Tower, the god  
  
watched the three mortals below. They fascinated him. The man was  
  
knowledgable in things he shouldn't be. But by himself, he was hardly a  
  
threat, more a bug to be squashed on a whim.  
  
The blonde woman was powerful for a mortal. She felt almost as  
  
old as the god was. Her power derived from the darkness, but somehow  
  
kept it from tainting her soul. She would make an excellent servant.  
  
The white haired one was even more powerful. She drew her power  
  
from the earth itself. Her soul was bright, with just enough taint of  
  
darkness to accent its beauty. But she was young and fragile as most  
  
mortals were. She would be sweet... while she lasted.  
  
And they had been sent here by his... servants. There purpose was  
  
to destroy Him. His servants would have to be punished when he got around  
  
to them. But first...  
  
"The portal is ready. Aren't you going to go through?" his chief  
  
lieutenant asked him, somewhat puzzled by the delay. His servant had  
  
taken the form of a pretty woman in a uniform. A pity that she was  
  
insubstantial. But the god wasn't ready to give her solid form yet. He  
  
was sure the promise of a physical body was all that was holding her  
  
loyalty.  
  
"No, I wish to play with these mortals," the god replied, He  
  
glanced at the Stargate floating just above the floor nearby. It was  
  
there on his whim. "That can wait."  
  
"So what do you want to do with these mortals?"  
  
The god grinned savagely at his lieutenant. "I believe you have  
  
some Deus ex Machinas to cash in?"  
  
"Oh, yes. Thank you, master," the First Evil grinned back. "This  
  
will be so much fun."  
  
***  
  
"Uh, Cordelia?"  
  
"Not now, Dawn. I'm on the phone."  
  
"But Cordy..."  
  
"Not now, I said."  
  
Dawn pouted. She was now one of the principle underlying cosmic  
  
forces in the multiverse and she still got treated like a kid. Life - or  
  
whatever this was - was just not fair!  
  
***  
  
"Okay Cordy, we're here. Now what?" Xander asked.  
  
They had all assembled in the Gate Control room at Cordy's  
  
request.  
  
"Put the phone on the dialing computer," Cordy told him. "I'll  
  
do the rest."  
  
"What's the dialing computer?" Xander asked the locals.  
  
"Why do you want to know?" O'Neill asked, suspicious.  
  
Xander told him what Cordy had said.  
  
"Sir, I think his friend wants to program the dialing computer  
  
through the cell phone," Carter said.  
  
"What? Let a complete unknown access to our computers?" O'Niell  
  
objected. "Hell, no!"  
  
"Cordy? Program a computer?" Harris asked skeptically as the  
  
General objected to the procedure.  
  
"Xander, let me talk to your twin," Cordy told Xander.  
  
"Here," Xander said, handing the cell to his counterpart. "She  
  
wants to talk to you."  
  
Frowning, Harris put the phone to his here. Immediately, he  
  
winced and jerked the phone from his ear. Although faint, the stream of  
  
invective from the phone was plainly audible to everyone.  
  
"Sir, that's definitely Cordelia Chase," Harris told O'Neill. "We  
  
used to date in high school," he added quickly when his superior officer  
  
looked hard at him. He held the phone out to his superior officer. "She  
  
wants to talk to you now."  
  
"That must have been some high school," Francisco murmured to  
  
Harris as O'Neill took the phone.  
  
The General gingerly put the phone to his own ear. Instead of  
  
jerking the phone away as Harris had done, he listened for a few minutes.  
  
"Okay, you convinced me," he said finally. With that, the General placed  
  
the cell phone on a monitor that had a technician was sitting in from of.  
  
The screen flickered, then code began streaming across it.  
  
"Sir? What did she say to convince you?" Carter asked.  
  
"I get him" O'Niell jerked a thumb at Xander, "out of my hair."  
  
"Hey!" Xander and Harris excalimed at the same time.  
  
***  
  
The elevators in the Eiffel Tower was out. That is to say, they  
  
weren't out of service because there was no power or the lift mechanisms  
  
were broken. They were out because someone or something had literally  
  
ripped the elevator cars out of their shafts and strewn them carelessly  
  
on the ground. Luckily one set of stairs were intact.  
  
Or maybe not. They could be walking into a trap.  
  
"Clear, no baddies on this level," Buffy called. She had been  
  
going ahead, her superior physique allowing her to fairly sprint up these  
  
endless stairs. She was checking out each floor before Willow and the  
  
Watcher could catch up, looking for any critters that their supernatural  
  
senses might fail to detect.  
  
"Buffy, wait for us," Willow told her. "We're going up against  
  
something that could kill a god. What if you run into something you can't  
  
handle by yourself?"  
  
"Oh, please," Buffy sniffed. "The whatever it is hasn't moved  
  
since we got here. What else could we possibly run into that I can't  
  
handle by myself?"  
  
Famous last words.  
  
Something green moving so fast that it was a blur blasted through  
  
the ceiling right above Buffy. It struck Buffy like an oversized cannon  
  
ball and carried her through the floor below. Although she could see it,  
  
Willow could feel Buffy come to a stop... at ground level.  
  
***  
  
"Chevron Six encoded," the technician counted off.  
  
"Yeah, it's very pretty," Xander commented as another triangle  
  
on the big ring thingy lit up.  
  
"Chevron Seven encoded."  
  
"Where's the wormhole?" O'Neill asked Carter.  
  
"The what?" Xander interjected.  
  
"Chevron Eight encoded!" The techncian sounded excited now.  
  
"Maybe he's going to another galaxy?" Carter guessed.  
  
"Chevron Nine encoded!" The tech was sounding almost hysterical  
  
now.  
  
"What the hell needs nine Chevrons?!" O'Neill asked.  
  
"Chevron TEN encoded!"  
  
The Stargate burst to life.  
  
"Considering where our visitor hails from, perhaps another  
  
reality?" Connor MacLeod mused.  
  
***  
  
Buffy had just enough time to get a mental snapshot of her newest  
  
sparring partner. Big. Green. Humanoid. Purple cutoff shorts. Fangs. The  
  
all too familiar game face.  
  
"HULK SMASH!!!"  
  
Then its fist pounded Buffy's head into the ground and everything  
  
went black.  
  
***  
  
"We gotta go help Buffy!"  
  
"A-are you sure?" the Watcher asked nervously. "She said she  
  
could handle herself."  
  
"Not this time, I think," Willow replied resolutely. "I'm not  
  
going to lose her again!" She turned back toward the stairs. She took not  
  
a step forward. A middle-aged looking man with a balding head and wearing  
  
a cloak made of what looked like feathers was barring her way.  
  
"Going so soon?" the man asked. No, he wasn't a man. Willow  
  
could sense it was something evil and not human and... insubstantial. She  
  
knew of exactly one creature like that.  
  
"Who...?" the Watcher began.  
  
"The First Evil," Willow growled.  
  
"Hardly," the man laughed. "Call me Maldis."  
  
***  
  
The first thing Xander noticed on the other side of the Stargate  
  
was the Buzz. It had that same cacophony as Connor MacLeod's. He was  
  
being greeted by another Prize winner. Great.  
  
Then he saw the Prize winner himself. A big man dressed like some  
  
biker with a friggin' huge sword in hand. Connor didn't carry a sword  
  
any more because he didn't need it. So why would this guy be carrying  
  
one? Xander had a bad feeling about this one. The guy practically  
  
radiated bad vibes.  
  
"I'm Xander Harris of Sunnydale," he said, reciting the standard  
  
challenge as he slipped his enchanted katana out of his coat.  
  
"I am God," the other man said. "You may call me Kurgan."  
  
"I thought you guys didn't need quickenings anymore," Xander  
  
said, stalling for time while he tried to figure out how to beat a god.  
  
Kurgan glanced over Xander's head at the still open Stargate. His  
  
grin was pure evil. "I do not. But since you have led me to the next  
  
Prize I wish to take, I will let you live."  
  
***  
  
"We led him to the next Prize?" Dawn asked, surprised.  
  
"Oh, yeah," Cordelia replied, aghast that this possibility hadn't  
  
even occured to her. "Oops." 


	5. The Battle of the Eiffel Tower

Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang Part 5  
  
By Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author  
  
"We gotta do something!" Dawn cried.  
  
"We can't," Cordelia replied despairingly. "Everyone's at the battlefield. All we can do is hope for the best."  
  
***  
  
Xander leveled his sword at the god in biker's clothing.  
  
"What do you mean all the Prizes will be yours?" he asked, trying to keep his voice from betraying his nervousness. Given that the other guy could read his mind, the attempt was probably pointless. Xander knew very well that he was outclassed in everyway.  
  
"You know what the Prize is," Kurgan laughed. "It is that gathering of all our separate Quickenings into one body so that we become a god again. So that I have become a god." He twirled his own sword effortlessly, playfully even. "But I am still not whole. Time splits, diverging into many realities, other realities where other immortals have won the Prize. I find this. unacceptable. After all, there can only be One!"  
  
"And, uh, what makes you think that?" Xander asked, stalling for time as his mind raced. He was up against a guy who was bigger, stronger, and older than he was. In his own reality, Xander had heard of Kurgan. An immortal of the worst sort, he had been defeated by Connor MacLeod. In his reality, those two had been at near parity in sword skill even though they hadn't been the last two immortals standing. That meant that Xander knew he didn't stand a chance in a straight up sword fight.  
  
And then there were this Kurgan's god level powers.  
  
"Oh, I told him all about that," Samantha Carter said as she stepped from behind Kurgan. She morphed into Anya. Xander realized this wasn't really either person. "After all, we can't have all those goody two shoes wandering around with Prizes." She morphed again into Buffy's form and draped herself on Kurgan. "It would be much too messy."  
  
"You're the First Evil," Xander concluded out loud.  
  
"Bingo, Xand."  
  
Ignored by all parties, a boxy robot on wheels came through the Stargate behind Xander.  
  
***  
  
"Remind me why we're doing this again?" General O'Neill asked.  
  
"Sir, how many chances do we ever get to look at an altenate reality?" Colonel Carter replied. "Since we have an open connection, we might as well send a MALP for a look see. Best of all, Stargate connections are one way, so we're in no danger of being invaded."  
  
"Plus, I'm curious what's over there," MacLeod added.  
  
O'Neill just grunted something unintelligible in reply.  
  
"Receiving MALP signal now," a technician announced.  
  
A monitor came to life showing the other side of the Stargate connection. The area in the MALP's limited field of vision looked industrial. The floor looked like sheet metal. Hand rails surrounded the edge of the floor and there were metal columns here and there that supported nothing, looking twisted and partially melted where at the tops where they'd been cut off.  
  
The alternate counterpart of their Alexander Harris was standing with his back to the MALP. His sword was out and held at the ready as he faced down a bigger man dressed as a biker.  
  
"I'm not going to let you pass," Xander was saying to the biker guy.  
  
"You cannot stop me," the biker sneered back.  
  
"Kurgan," MacLeod whispered, going pale.  
  
As if he heard, the biker tilted his head to look straight at the MALP. It was like he was looking straight into the control room. But that was impossible. "MacLeod!" he exclaimed, a dangerous smile spreading across his face. "It will be a great pleasure to kill you. Again!"  
  
Taking advantage of his distraction, Xander pulled an automatic pistol from the depths of his coat with his left hand and emptied a clip into Kurgan's face. Kurgan flinched in surprise, but wasn't hurt. The bullets had stopped in mid air mere inches from his eyes.  
  
"Crap," Xander and MacLeod said at the same time.  
  
***  
  
"I don't have time for this," Willow growled at the apparition. "Get out of my way."  
  
"Oh, don't go away yet," Maldis replied. "We've only just met."  
  
BEGONE.  
  
Maldis vanished. Willow took another step before realizing that the stairs had vanished too. Where the stairs had been, there was now just empty flooring. Reaching out with her magical senses, she discovered the stairs really were gone, not just papered over with an illusion. Ah, there was a slight twist of reality here.  
  
"Now, that was just rude," Maldis' voice whispered in her ear. Willow spun around and found him much too close to her, well inside her personal space. She backed off. Maldis followed keeping close.  
  
STAY.  
  
Maldis paused in place, allowing Willow to put some breathing space between them.  
  
"Now, you just stay there, while I." Willow began.  
  
Maldis vanished and reappeared right in front of Willow. "Ah, aren't you a lovely creature?" he murmured, brushing his hand lightly against her jaw. She could actually feel his hand, a neat trick considering that he was incorporeal. "Seeming purity and innocence masking power and an inner darkness. Join me."  
  
"Uh.what?"  
  
"Join me," Maldis said again. "With your power and my. experience, I'll show you pleasures beyond your wildest imaginations. Worlds will lay at our feet and even that so-called god upstairs will not be able to stop us."  
  
"I'd say your offer is kind of tempting," Willow began slowly, "but I'd me lying."  
  
LIGHTNING.  
  
Willow sent a blast of power into Maldis. It went through him and out his backside to explode some innocent railing. Unfortunately, Maldis was completely unaffected.  
  
"Oh, Willow," he said, sounding a lot like a parent disappointed with his child. "I had hoped for so much better from you." He shrugged, and blasted Willow with his own lightning. She screamed in pain as she was flung across the floor. "Oh well, I guess I'll have to settle for eating you alive."  
  
***  
  
Buffy woke up in the Hulk's hands. That is to say, she woke up to find the giant green vampire lifting her to his mouth like a bar-b-cued rib he was about to eat. Being so big, he couldn't bite her around the neck. He was about to sink his fangs directly into her torso.  
  
He was going to bite her!  
  
Reacting instantly, Buffy brought her free leg around and kneed the Hulk in the nose. More startled than hurt, the Hulk dropped Buffy. Buffy hit the ground and dodged the Hulk's attempt to grab her again. Buffy set about, pummeling the monster with a flurry of kicks and punches. They seemed to have no affect other than making the Hulk even angrier that he already was.  
  
Buffy evaded several of the Hulk's attacks - the mutated vampire was fast, but clumsy - as she cast about for a weapon. She had dropped her Scythe somewhere. She spotted something else first. Leaping away, Buffy landed beside a decorative but dead tree. A pair of quick kicks snapped the trunk in two places. Grabbing it as it toppled over, Buffy threw the make shift stake as the Hulk as he leaped at her. Her aim was perfect.  
  
It shattered into splinters on the Hulk's chest. There wasn't even so much as scratch inflicted.  
  
***  
  
The gun having proved useless, Xander attacked with his sword. Smiling, Kurgan parried every attack with one hand effortlessly. This did not bode well.  
  
"I said I will not kill you," Kurgan said conversationally, "and I will stand by my promise. However." The point of his broadsword darted forward to stab Xander in the thigh. Xander gasped in pain and went down on one knee. ".being immortal means that injury isn't even crippling."  
  
With a laugh, Kurgan parried another stroke. He followed up with a punch that sent Xander sprawling.  
  
***  
  
Back at Stargate Command, the people in the control room watched in horror as Xander was getting the snot beat out of him.  
  
"We gotta help him!" Lieutenant Harris argued.  
  
"We can't, Lieutenant," O'Neill replied irritably. "Anyone we send through would be stranded. Unless you happen to know how to dial a ten symbol address on the Stargate? No? Didn't think so. Besides, it's pretty obvious that this guy's immune to bullets."  
  
"At least he can't get here through an outgoing wormhole," Carter added.  
  
On the monitor, the Kurgan paused was he was doing and looked at the MALP again. The picture blinked. That was because the Stargate had blinked, the watery looking event horizon disappearing for an instant before reappearing.  
  
"That's impossible!" Carter cried. She turned to O'Neill. "Sir, the outgoing wormhole just changed into an incoming one."  
  
"Neat trick," MacLeod muttered under his breath.  
  
"Reaction Teams to the Gate Room!" O'Neill ordered. "And close the iris!"  
  
As the soldiers lined up in front of the Stargate, the iris closed shut, creating a barrier that in theory, nothing material could pass through. Once closed, the iris shimmered and changed color, turning into an off white color. Then it collapsed, throwing up a cloud of fine white dust.  
  
O'Neill cursed under his breath.  
  
***  
  
"Excuse me," someone interrupted as Maldis was about to blast Willow again.  
  
The Watcher appeared beside Maldis, flipping through his book.  
  
"A Time Lord," Maldis murmured. "And one that isn't the Doctor. How novel."  
  
"Indeed," the Watcher said. "You said that you are Maldis? The ascended dark wizard of the so-called Uncharted Territories?"  
  
"Yes, I am." Maldis smiled, warming up to the Watcher. It was so nice to be famous and well known.  
  
"The same Maldis that was reportedly defeated and dispersed by the human John Creighton and his band of misfit friends?" the Watcher continued, making notes in his book. "Twice?"  
  
A bat materialized in Maldis' hand. He whacked the Watcher over the head. The Time Lord collapsed in a heap, unconscious. "I'll thank you not to mention that again," Maldis told him. He turned back to the other mortal present. "Now, where were we Willow?"  
  
BANISH.  
  
Maldis vanished again.  
  
As Willow shakily attempted to stand up, she was hit by yet another lightning bolt that sent her sprawling again. Looking up, she saw Maldis standing over her. She really wished that Buffy was here.  
  
"Longing for your friend?" Maldis said, amused. Great, he was reading her mind. "She's not really your friend you know. Your friend is dead. All your friends are dead. You killed them all."  
  
"I didn't." Willow began to protest, propping herself up on an elbow.  
  
"You believe you did, and who am I to argue?" Maldis interrupted. "You were too slow, too hesitant, too afraid of your own power to cast that Slayer activation spell in time. So the Turok-han overwhelmed and slaughtered your friends. And you know what the best part is?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your power. You are more powerful now than you've ever been and it's all because of the sacrifice of your friends," Maldis chortled. "A blood sacrifice that increased your power at the expense of your friends lives."  
  
"No. it wasn't like that," Willow protested weakly. An ice ball was forming in her stomach. Whether Willow had intended it or not, Maldis' words had a ring of truth to them.  
  
"And now you're trying to clean your conscience by clinging to alternate versions of your friends," Maldis concluded. "Best part is, even if this Buffy wasn't busy getting pulverized right now, she still wouldn't help you anyway. She isn't even really."  
  
***  
  
As Buffy dove under another swipe, she heard a scream from somewhere above in the Tower. She instantly identified the screamer as Willow. Willow was in trouble. Buffy paused, torn between going to Willow's aid and fighting the vampire Hulk. Buffy wished she could loan her friend some of her strength until she got there, but she had stopped too long.  
  
The Hulk's fist hit her in the torso dead on. Buffy could feel several of her ribs crack as she was flung through the air, bouncing off and denting one of the Eiffel Tower's legs.  
  
***  
  
The punch came out of nowhere and sent Maldis reeling. Willow looked up at her rescuer and was shocked by who it was.  
  
"Faith?"  
  
"Hey, Red," the Slayer greeted, winking at the witch as she strode past. She threw a quick glance at Willow's snow white hair. "Huh, gonna have to think up a new nick name for you."  
  
"What is this? Where did you come from?" Maldis demanded, lightning crackling in his hands.  
  
"Always been here," Faith replied, parrying a lightning strike with the dagger given to her by Richard Wilkins.  
  
"You. you're not real," Maldis said slowly.  
  
"Hey, baldy, I could say the same to you," Faith taunted in reply. She yelped in pain when Maldis sent a pair of lightning bolts at her. Faith parried one, but the other got through.  
  
"You're not even a ghost," Maldis told her. "You're just a memory given form." He zapped Faith again. "Did you think you could stand against me alone?" A round house kick from nowhere flipped Maldis onto his back.  
  
"She's not alone," Kendra announce plunging Mr. Pointy at Maldis' heart. Maldis scrambled out of the way. Faith joined in moments later. Maldis materialized a sword in each hand and attempted to fend off the two.  
  
Willow's view of the fight was blocked by the appearance of yet another spirit. It appeared as a young black woman with afro hair and long coat that looked a lot like Spike's.  
  
"Go help your friends," the stranger said. "We'll keep this guy busy."  
  
***  
  
Rolling out of the way of another punch, Buffy managed to get out of the Hulk's immediate reach. Spotting the Scythe, she swept it up as she sprung to her feet. There was a pause as the pair took a moment to stare each other down.  
  
Buffy didn't feel good. It wasn't just the injuries inflicted by the Hulk. The few times he had hit her, the Hulk had managed to inflict some damage. Aside from, the broken ribs, there was the leg that didn't work quite right, an arm, and a headache coming on. But that was only pain. Buffy was sure that she could heal those injuries if she had a few moments respite from the fighting.  
  
No, what really bothered Buffy was the feeling of weakness. It was as if parts of her had gone somewhere else. They weren't very big parts, but it was enough to bother her.  
  
Then there was no time for introspection. The Hulk charged at her again. Leaping over him, Buffy landed squarely on his back and brought the Scythe's blade down on the Hulk's neck for a perfect decapitation.  
  
The Scythe bounced off.  
  
Buffy could see that this time, she had caused a scratch. But it healed up even as she watched. An instant later, the Hulk's back hand stroke sent Buffy flying again.  
  
***  
  
Returning to consciousness was a pain. At first, the Watcher thought that maybe he had been dipping into his personal whiskey stockpile too much. He was rapidly disabused of the notion.  
  
"Giles! Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm not Giles," the Watcher said testily as he was helped up to a sitting position by one of his hijackers. Ah, it was the white haired witch.  
  
"C'mon, we gotta go help Buffy." That would be the yellow haired one, the Watcher recalled. She telekinetically hauled him to his feet. There seemed to be a fight going on nearby.  
  
"Must we?" the Watcher asked warily as he gathered up his book. "Ah, of course we must," he added at the girl's indignant look. "I must certainly help the two young women who kidnapped me and hi-jacked my TARDIS." He spotted an interesting piece of datum. "Oh dear."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"There's an open wormhole upstairs leading to yet another parallel universe," the Watcher answered. "It seems the being upstairs is intending to leave."  
  
"Leave? As in moving onto fresh worlds to destroy?" Willow said, aghast. "We gotta stop him."  
  
"I thought you wanted to help your friend," the Watcher said irritably. "You can only do one or the other."  
  
Willow bit her lip, apparently torn with indecision. She squeezed her eyes shut. Unfortunately, she also let go of her telekinetic grip. Still a tad woozy, the Watcher promptly toppled over and hit his head on something.  
  
***  
  
"Buffy?" The voice was echoing in her head. Someone was speaking to her telepathically to her. "Buffy? Can you hear me?"  
  
"Little busy here Willow," Buffy grunted in reply. She had found a place that was safe from the Hulk's attacks, at least for the moment.  
  
The Hulk roared incoherently as he spun around, attempting to reach the annoyance on his back. Buffy hung there by a chokehold she had around his neck. The big green moron wasn't flexible enough to reach around and pull her off. He also wasn't to try scraping her off with something. But all this spinning was making for a dizzy Buffy, unable to concentrate enough to really heal any of her injuries.  
  
"Buffy, the Big Bad's about to leave for another universe," Willow said in her mind.  
  
"So stop him already."  
  
"But what about you?" There was concern in Willow's mental voice. Buffy might have found it touching, but she was kinda busy with staying alive at the moment.  
  
"Go, I'll be fine," Buffy told her in no uncertain terms. The Hulk's antics slammed her into a one of the Tower's support columns, leaving a big dent. "Just peachy. You go after the Big Bad. I'll deal with the big, nasty vampire."  
  
"That's a vampire? I can help with that easy." Buffy got a quick mental picture of a shining sun.  
  
"Willow! Wait." Buffy began too late. Brilliant light flooded the area and the Hulk burst into flames. Unfortunately, since Buffy was still hanging onto him, she got roasted as well.  
  
Buffy let go and jumped away, having also caught fire. She hit the ground and rolled to put the flames out. A roar caught her attention. Looking, she saw that while the Hulk was burning, he wasn't actually dying. Or at least he was burning too slowly despite burning brightly. Skin was melting away, but the muscles underneath weren't going as quick.  
  
What did it take to kill this guy?  
  
***  
  
In the SGC command center in the reality next door, Connor MacLeod studied the picture being transmitted from the MALP closely. He had a feeling that something significant was about to happen.  
  
Discovering that Kurgan had won their battle in some alternate universe had been disturbing. Discovering that his own ability to manipulate reality on the other side of the Stargate was more than that. Even if Kurgan had not been actively hindering, Connor had the feeling his powers would have been limited anyway unless he actually traveled to the other side. There was nothing he could do to help young Xander Harris from here.  
  
"Geez, how can anyone take that kind of punishment?" this reality's version of Xander asked. "I. he. whatever ought to be dead by now. But he just keeps getting up."  
  
Connor made no reply. He wasn't about to expose himself yet. Only if Kurgan came through and he had to fight him directly would he display himself as anything other that merely mortal.  
  
Beyond Kurgan, a new figure appeared. A white haired woman had climbed some stairs into view.  
  
"Xander!" the woman called out.  
  
"Willow?" the young man on screen replied, apparently surprised.  
  
"Willow?" echoed Harris next to MacLeod.  
  
"Ah, the entertainment is here," Kurgan laughed. With a casual swat, he sent Xander flying out of sight.  
  
***  
  
It happened quickly.  
  
The burning Hulk charged Buffy, roaring.  
  
Something black fell from the sky and hit the ground in between them. It looked like a body.  
  
The Hulk tripped, still roaring, and fell forward. Naturally, the Hulk threw his arms forward to catch himself. His face came to rest right in front of Buffy. He was still roaring.  
  
The temptation was too much to resist.  
  
Stake end first, Buffy shoved the Scythe into the Hulk's open big mouth. Her arm was inside him up to her elbow when it happened.  
  
Dusted.  
  
***  
  
Maldis was actually managing to hold his own against the memories of three Slayers brought to life. It was too bad that Willow had gotten away. She was so. tasty.  
  
Then he felt his host die, robbing him of a good deal of his strength. The Slayers were quick to take advantage, beating up on him and dispersing his essence. Pulling himself together again was going to be a long, drawn out process.  
  
Earth was proving far too annoying. With all the demons, there was too much competition here. And here he thought John Crighton was unique. Maybe he ought to look up the human again.  
  
***  
  
"No!" Willow cried in horror as Xander went over the edge. She hadn't even known that Xander - or at least some version of Xander - had even been here. Now he was gone. again. How could he possibly survive the fall?  
  
"The little man will live," the man who had thrown Xander was saying. This was the Big Bad. Willow could feel it. He eyed her up and down as if she were a side of beef. "Oh, you will be sweet."  
  
Furious, Willow sent a blast of mystical energy at him. This guy at least was made of solid matter. The blast hit an invisible bubble surrounding him and streamers of power were deflected off in all directions. He rocked back slightly in surprise, then laughed.  
  
"I actually felt that!" He took a step towards her. He sneered. "Do it again. I like it when they resist."  
  
Willow sent more blasts at him, varying the type of energy to see if anything might actually hurt him. Nothing did. They didn't even slow him down. She morphed the metal decking to rise up and hold him. He broke through effortlessly. She tore a hole in the floor. He walked on thin air.  
  
He wrapped his sword arm around her waist and pulled her intimately close. With his free hand, he tilted her head back so that they were staring each other in the face. Willow struggled to get loose, but his grip was like steel.  
  
His smile was pitiless. "You know, I like to violate my women body." Willow felt something change in her connection to the Earth. ".and soul." Willow suddenly realized what he was doing to her. She could feel her inner darkness rising up, creeping in through her link.  
  
"Stop." she gasped.  
  
"No," he said, watching black coloring seep into Willow's hair. "I think you look better as a brunette anyway."  
  
***  
  
Xander gasped and sat up.  
  
"Neat trick, Xander," a familiar voice said nearby. Xander turned to see that it was Buffy. "You heal up faster than I do. And I'm fairly sure you were dead for a few minutes there."  
  
"Buffy, what." Xander shook his head to clear it. He spotted his sword nearby and snatched it up. He got to his feet and took another look at Buffy. "Wow, you look like crap."  
  
It was true. Buffy looked bruised and battered, her tight leather clothing looking torn in strategic spots. She was using a funky looking axe as a crutch.  
  
"Thanks a lot, Xand," she said drily. "You really know how to complement a girl."  
  
"Er, sorry," Xander replied. His brain was still a little fuzzy. What had he been doing when he died again? "Willow!"  
  
"What about Willow?"  
  
"She's facing Kurgan alone," he told her. "We gotta go help her!"  
  
"Who? That would be the Big Bad around these parts, right?" Buffy asked. "Just give me a few minutes here."  
  
"But we got to help Willow now," Xander insisted.  
  
"Xander, I'm sure Willow can handle herself." Buffy began.  
  
"BUFFY!!!" a telepathic voice resounded in their heads. It was loud enough to make them both wince. "HELP!!!"  
  
".or not," Buffy concluded quickly. She took a few hobbling steps toward the stairs and almost collapsed. "Xander, I think you're going to have to go ahead."  
  
"If you say so." Xander took a step, but Buffy's hand stopped him.  
  
"Wait, Xander," she told him. Buffy got a good grip on the lapels of his coat. "There's a faster way up there."  
  
"Buffy, whaOOOAAAAaaaa."  
  
Hauling him around with her good arm, Buffy had hurled Xander towards the top of Eiffel Tower. His scream of surprise had a noticeable Doppler shift.  
  
***  
  
Tumbling through the air, Xander was quick to see that Buffy's aim was right on target. His arc was going to take him right to Kurgan. Kurgan had his back turned to him, doing. something to Willow. Xander brought his sword around, ready to slash Kurgan as soon as he was in range.  
  
At the last instant, Kurgan held a hand up at Xander. Xander stopped in mid-air, mere feet away from Kurgan. He couldn't move.  
  
"Not now, gnat," Kurgan said without looking at him.  
  
***  
  
Connor looked out at the scene shown by the MALP. There Kurgan was, about to violate some girl that held a significant amount of power in her own right. Nearby, Xander was suspended in mid-air, frozen in the middle of attacking a god.  
  
Now, he thought as he sent a surge of power through the Stargate.  
  
***  
  
Power bright and pure flooded into Willow through her link to the Earth. It didn't banish the rising darkness inside her so much as combine with it. She felt as though there wasn't spell in existence that she couldn't do. But Willow's first thought wasn't to cast a spell to free herself. Channeling the sudden influx of power, Willow's first act was that of a woman defending herself from a man's unwelcome advances.  
  
She brought a knee up between his legs. Hard.  
  
Kurgan's eyes rolled up as he doubled over in pain.  
  
Xander's feet hit the deck beside Kurgan, suddenly released from his mental grip.  
  
Willow separated herself from Kurgan's grip and threw herself aside.  
  
Xander's sword brought his sword down through Kurgan's neck. The glyphs on the blade flared brightly in rainbow hues as they penetrated Kurgan's shields. Kurgan's head parted ways with the rest of his body.  
  
Kurgan's body collapsed to the floor.  
  
And then everything was still.  
  
***  
  
"Holy." someone began. Given what they had just seen on the monitor, the reaction was understandable.  
  
Connor breathed a sigh of relief. Kurgan was dead. Again.  
  
Then the monitor suddenly exploded.  
  
***  
  
"Xander? You're alive?"  
  
"Yeah, I get that a lot," Xander replied. "You okay, Wills?"  
  
"I think so." She looked at the headless corpse. "Uh, what's with the mist?"  
  
"Mist?" Xander looked to see glowing white mist streaming from Kurgan's body and pooling around in the air. It was his Quickening he suddenly realized. Odd that he didn't feel it. Lightning arced from Kurgan's body to the Stargate. Another bolt struck the boxy robot probe that had followed Xander through the Stargate, blowing it to smithereens.  
  
"Xander, I think we ought to get out of here," Willow said, backing away from the sparking corpse.  
  
Xander was about to tell Willow to go ahead, when the corpse moved. It wasn't gently floating into the air. The corpse was moving as if under conscious control, clambering to its feet and groping around for his head even as more Quickening leaked out and lightning burst from it. They backed away from it.  
  
***  
  
"Hey, I thought you said beheading would kill Kurgan!" Dawn said.  
  
"That's what I was told," Cordelia replied.  
  
"He doesn't look very dead to me."  
  
"Oops." 


	6. Time to blow this joint

Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 6  
  
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author  
  
EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com  
  
Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.  
  
Spoilers: Anything goes  
  
Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful incarnations of the Scooby Gang have been gathered to battle the Ultimate Evil. But first, they have to get along with each other.  
  
Disclaimer: Characters and concepts belong to their owners who I'm too lazy to list.  
  
"You will suffer!" proclaimed Kurgan's severed head as his body finally located it. Grasping the talking head with both hands, Kurgan's body raised the head to place it pack on. "I will strip your souls from your bodies and use them to floss my teeth. I will."  
  
"You look like you're in desperate need of some industrial strength band-aids," Xander interrupted, planting himself between Willow and the erstwhile god. He wagged his sword at Kurgan. "Look at you. You're falling to pieces, man."  
  
Indeed, even as they spoke, the glowing white mist that was Kurgan's Quickening continued to stream from Kurgan's body. And the stuff wasn't just streaming from the injury Xander had inflicted. Cracks and fissures were springing up all over Kurgan's body and head, all of them leaking mist and lightning.  
  
Above Kurgan, the mist pooled and swirled. The air seemed to move with it, creating a vortex of wind centered on Kurgan. Lightning and thunder boomed, mostly grounding out on the Eiffel Tower's steel structure. The Tower shook in response to each strike. Kurgan was oblivious to all this.  
  
"I will grind your bodies to dust!" he continued to rant. "I will scatter your dust across the universe! And you will feel every bit of."  
  
Kurgan's tirade was cut off when his head was impaled from behind. The tip of something shiny and metallic poked out from between his eyes. The head was jerked from the grasp of the body's hands. Kurgan's body stumbled and fell aside to reveal two figures.  
  
"Talk, talk, talk," Buffy complained. She was leaning against the Watcher, one arm over his shoulders to help support her. She was still favoring one leg. In her free hand, she held the Scythe. Kurgan's head was impaled on one pointy end of the axe blade. "What is it with supervillains loving the sound of their own voice?"  
  
Kurgan's head gargled something at her.  
  
"You wish," Buffy snorted, swinging the Scythe around to bash the head against the deck. On impact, the head exploded in a brilliant flash of light and electricity. Kurgan's body also began to disintegrate, releasing Quickening at an ever faster pace. The Tower began to rattle.  
  
"You okay, Buffy?" Willow asked, stumbling to her friend's side.  
  
"I'll heal. You?" Rivets began popping out of Tower's structure at random.  
  
"I'm okay, I think," Willow said. "Xander?"  
  
"Yeah." The Tower suddenly jerked two feet to the left.  
  
"Much as I would hate to interrupt this festival of mutual concern," the Watcher said, "but it might be wise to vacate the premises? I believe this structure is falling apart." The Tower jerked in the other direction. "More to the point, that" He pointed with his free hand at the still open Stargate which was developing glowing cracks of its own. "looks as if it's about to explode."  
  
"Right, we are so out of here," Buffy agreed. "Let's go guys."  
  
The group took a few steps towards the stairs before noticing that one of their number wasn't coming along. They turned to see the stay-behind had not moved, looking up at the whirl pooling mist above. They could see a tentacle of the stuff separate itself from the main body, as if searching for something.  
  
"Xander?" Willow called, concerned.  
  
"You guys go ahead," Xander called back, not turning away from the mist. He wondered what it would be like to gain the Prize, to be a god. The tentacle looked like it was heading straight for him. It looked like he was going to find out. "I'll be along in no time."  
  
"Xander!" Willow cried out as the tentacle hurled itself at Xander. But instead of striking the young man, it veered around him and streamed into the open Stargate.  
  
"Oh, c'mon, you gotta be kidding me!" Xander yelled as the Quickening ignored him. It had apparently found a more worthy host in range.  
  
***  
  
"What's going on?" General O'Neill demanded as equipment blew up around him. Bolts of electricity were arcing off anything and everything metallic. The worst was the Stargate itself, which was wreathed in blue- white lightning and zapping everything near it.  
  
"Some kind of EMP coming through the Stargate, sir," Colonel Carter replied, her voice raised over the noise. "Sir! The Stargate!"  
  
"Now what?" O'Neill turned to see something glowing and white was streaming in through the open Gate. For some reason, it reminded him of Oma Desala, an Ascended being he had met years ago. Only this thing was stretched out and snakelike, flowing back and forth across the Gateroom as if in search of something.  
  
Then it pointed itself at the control room and charged. It shattered the bulletproof window and hit the visiting Secretary of State. Connor MacLeod was immediately knocked from his feet as the stuff flowed around and into him.  
  
"The President's going to kill me," O'Neill muttered under his breath.  
  
***  
  
"Are you okay, Xander?" Willow asked in concern. Xander looked as if disappointed, as if someone had stolen his birthday presents.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine," Xander said gruffly as he joined them. "Just peachy. Let's get out of here."  
  
A lightning bolt struck the Tower from the sky. The staircase they were heading for disintegrated.  
  
"Okay." Xander began.  
  
"We're all going to die," the Watcher wailed. "There's no other way down from here." He glanced over at the Stargate in time to witness the last of the mist vanish into it. Then the event horizon evaporated. The Stargate continued develop more glowing cracks. "No way to get to my TARDIS in time, anyway."  
  
Buffy frowned at the disintegrating Stargate. "How big an explosion are we talking about anyway?"  
  
"Something on the order of ten to twenty megatons."  
  
No one spoke as they digested that tid bit of information.  
  
"No. Not one of us is going to die today," Willow said suddenly. "I won't let that happen again."  
  
TRANSPORT.  
  
Several minutes later, the Paris of a demon overrun Earth vanished in as a miniature sun briefly manifested to wipe it from existence.  
  
***  
  
"So, we won?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Looks like it," Cordelia replied. "Now I have to get ready for another battle."  
  
"Cool. Can I help?"  
  
"Sorry, Dawnie," Cordelia told her. "I have to fight this one on my own."  
  
"Why? Who's the Big Bad?" Dawn asked, concerned.  
  
"CORDELIA CHASE!" a voice resounded throughout the void. The source was speaking into the void, but not actually in there with them.  
  
"My bosses," Cordelia sighed. She turned to address the voice. "Yes?"  
  
"I have just had a talk with Accounting, Chase," Cordelia's boss boomed, "and there are some irregularities in the Deus Ex Machina accounts for your mission."  
  
"Oh, that. Boss, I can explain." Cordelia began.  
  
"Excuse me," broke in another being. A distinctly male presence joined Cordelia and Dawn in the void. "Perhaps I can clear things up."  
  
"Oh, wow. I'm getting lots of visitors," Dawn interjected.  
  
"Mr. MacLeod, sir!" Cordelia's boss said. "What can we do for you?"  
  
"Bow and scrape?" Dawn suggested. "He's like, technically your boss, right?"  
  
"Just wanted to let you know that there are no irregularities in Miss Chase's account," Connor MacLeod said, ignoring Dawn's commentary.  
  
"But." Cordelia's boss began, but Connor interrupted.  
  
THERE ARE NO IRREGULARITIES.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Now, I need to borrow Miss Chase for a while," Connor continued. "I have a new job for her." He turned to Cordelia. "Unless you refuse. It's your choice of course."  
  
"Take it, Cordy." Dawn urged.  
  
"Heck, yeah, I'll take it," Cordelia said. She didn't even want to think about what a senior Power that Be that was pissed at her would do to her given the chance. Office politics were practically universal.  
  
"Excellent," Connor beamed as he took Cordelia by the arm. "Come with me then."  
  
They vanished, leaving the void between worlds silent and still. This lasted only a short time.  
  
"Hey!" Dawn exclaimed. No one else was around. "What about me?"  
  
***  
  
A phone booth materialized on the edge the Sunnydale Lagoon. The door opened and four people spilled out.  
  
"Here you are, back at a reasonable approximation of the worlds you came from," the Watcher informed his passengers. "Now please go away and never bother me again."  
  
"Yeah, we love you too," Buffy replied. She turned to the others. "By the way, Wills, love your new hair color."  
  
"My hair? What's wrong with my hair?" Willow looked at her reflection in the TARDIS' glassy side. Her hair was still mostly white, but now fringed with black on the ends. "Eep!"  
  
"Whoa," Xander breathed, looking at the horizon at something only he could see.  
  
"Something wrong, Xander?" Willow asked, deciding to ignore her hair issues for now.  
  
"Listen, I gotta go," Xander told them, pulling a set of sunglasses from his coat and putting them on. Given his black long coat and clothing, he now looked like a scruffier version of Neo from the Matrix movies. "I'll catch up with you guys later."  
  
"Where are you going?" Wilow asked as Xander walked away from them.  
  
"The Gathering!" Xander shouted over his shoulder.  
  
"What's the Gathering?" Buffy asked confused.  
  
"It's the final process where immortals like young Xander become a god," the Watcher answered. "They battle to the death, the last one standing receiving ultimate power."  
  
"A god? Like that Kurgan guy?" Willow asked, frowning.  
  
"Exactly," the Watcher confirmed. "Now, if you'll excuse me." He turned and disappeared into the TARDIS.  
  
Buffy and Willow looked at each other.  
  
"Battle each other," Buffy said.  
  
"To the death," Willow concluded.  
  
They turned to look at Xander who was now a good distance away.  
  
"Do you want to do the honors?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Okay, sure," Willow replied.  
  
Xander yelped as his feet left the ground. Floating through the air, he sailed between Buffy and Willow and into the still open door of the TARDIS. A moment later, the girls followed him inside.  
  
As the door closed behind them, a stream of invective could be heard from the resident Time Lord. The TARDIS dematerialized moments later.  
  
***  
  
"DAWN! What have you done?"  
  
"Hi, Cordy. Nice to see you again."  
  
"Don't 'Hi, Cordy' me. Now answer my question."  
  
"Um, what were we talking about?"  
  
"Nantucket. Bronze Age."  
  
"Oh, heh heh. Oops?"  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Ultimate Buffy was entirely my own creation. Her introductory scene in part 1 was originally intended to be the climax of a fanfic that never got written. I couldn't think up a story to wrap around it.  
  
Ultimate Willow was inspired by all the "super Willow" fanfics out there. Her "command words" style of magic was inspired by The First, a comic book series published by Crossgen Comics that has nothing to do with the Joss Whedon or the First Evil.  
  
Ultimate Xander is obvious. Given his canon ability to take an substantial punishment, making him a Highlander-style immortal isn't too far fetched.  
  
Ultimate Giles was inspired by Paul Gadzikowski's Dailies which often featured Doctor Who. As Giles' function is primarily to provide information and not combat, who better than a Time Lord to fill the role in a cross- time setting?  
  
Ultimate Cordy is the post-Jasmine Cordelia. While her body is in a coma cared for by Wolfram and Hart, Cordy's spirit returned to the Upper Planes. Until Conner MacLeod's intervention here, Cordy was working in the Powers that Be equivalent of a mail room.  
  
Ultimate Dawn is of course the Key in all her glory.  
  
The whole "Immortals being fragments of a god" thing is my own personal theory about the Highlander mythos. It always annoyed me when fanfic writers would dismiss the Game - an integral part of the Highlander mythos - as a Big Mistake.  
  
The Alternate SGC that Xander visited is the same world as the one featured in my fanfic Old Hat. As I wrote the Ultimate Scooby Gang, I hadn't yet come up with a fourth member for the new SG-1. Jack is obviously in command of the SGC. Daniel gets to attached to SG teams as required. Teal'c is not mentioned, but he's off doing Jaffa rebellion things. Sam is obviously leading the new SG-1. Emily Francisco the Tectonese is from Alien Nation, Detective Francisco's daughter who has grown up and joined the Air Force.  
  
The Scooby Doo and Wonderland worlds were just pit stops. 


End file.
